cultural script tagged posts

What Games Do Couples Play? (Part 2)

What Games Do Couples Play Part 2

Beth and Roger’s Games – What Obstructed Their Relationship Progress?

There are few things that obstructed Beth and Roger‘s relationship. Surely the first thing to mention is the miscommunications between them. Having in mind their childhood experiences and the way they have developed certain patterns in their way of relating to each other, it is obvious that their effective communication skills are limited.

By “skills” I mean the ability to say what you really want to say and to give yourself time to understand what the other person is saying.

I also mean the ability to listen not in order to answer, but in order to understand.

It also means being honest with each other in those communications.

Situations like this and the resulting crisis in the relationship are most often a sig...

Read More

Drama-Free Life: Is It Possible?

Drama-Free Life: Don't Make an Elephant Out of a Fly

Life Is Not a TV Drama

Is it possible to live a drama free life? Is it necessary to have drama in our lives in order to feel balanced when it is over? Isn’t it easier to just exclude even the smallest possibility of turning a fly into an elephant? What make us create dramas in our lives when this is the thing we fear and dislike the most?

Look at the games the couples in our stories (The Story of Tamara and Alex, The Story of Vanessa and Mark, Vanessa and Mark (cont), Detecting Games in Relationships, Responding Assertively to Game Playing).

An Exercise

If you want you can challenge yourself: try imagining each game discussed as initiated by anyone, of either sex, and imagine how that game story might play out...

Read More

Game Playing and the Winner’s Triangle

The Winner’s Triangle: I am okay

Many people who have played the Survivor’s Triangle games have realized that it usually doesn’t lead to a good outcome. Then comes the need of a positive outcome and you have to figure out how to make it happen.

Approaching the task logically, if you want a positive outcome to a situation you need to be positive yourself.

All could be different depending on which angle you are watching it from. And if the Survivor’s Triangle is viewed from an “I am okay” position, then the whole picture will change and the roles played will change as well to become the higher “self” of that positive interaction – no longer a game of the negative kind.

For example, the higher self of the Aggressor from the Survivor’s Triangle would turn to an Assertive type on the Winner’s Triangle and will...

Read More

Am I OK? Are You OK?

am I OK

Helpless Aggressor Martyr

What does it really mean to be “OK”? Is there a formula that we need to follow to in order to be okay? When are we okay? Is it when we feel loved and respected, or when we feel someone needs us and that make us feel important? Is happiness something to fight for or it is something that comes to us when we’re done the battle with ourselves?

To sum it up – each of us is either predominantly OK with life and how it’s progressing, or not. I think you might be able to guess which is better. Victors live out a very clear “I’m OK and you’re OK” life script, while both Visitors and Victims live out a predominantly “I’m not OK, you’re not OK” life script.

Let’s look at this from the perspective of the Survivor’s Triangle.

The Aggressor

Aggressors are the bullies of...

Read More

How Survivors Play Out Their Life Games on the Game Triangle

Survivor's Triangle

Love Triangle Karate Summer Camp 2012

All Psychological Games get played from one of three positions. These can be seen in action on the Survivor’s Triangle.

I call it the “Survivor’s Triangle,” because, while games are destructive, you play them in response to whatever you were taught, or decided, as a child. It was the way you learned to survive in your family and in society.

As well when you are a child you ‘by default’ need to be taken care of, to be helped and pampered because you are a tiny and weak creature. You simply need to survive as a child biologically and later on emotionally so you naturally do whatever you need to ensure that happens.

Survival or Imprisonment?

Each of the triangle’s corners represents one of the three stances that someone might take in a game...

Read More

The Purpose of the Games People Play

The Purpose of the Games People Play

People often ask me – why are relationships so complicated? The short answer is – because there are two in the game.

The games people play are a complicated mix of roles that are lived out unconsciously and driven by the equally unconscious need to stand by them on a daily basis. In short these are habits, and we’re referring here to the bad ones, that we live our lives by.

Eric Berne notes: The general advantage of a game consists in its stabilizing (homeostatic) functions. Biological homeostasis is promoted by stroking (the means individuals use to communicate something with another), and psychological stability is reinforced by the confirmation of a set position (that is their life position).

The Games People Play Are Intended to Re-establish Predictability

A relationship “game” ...

Read More

I Am Ready to Meet You

Body Language or I Am Ready to Meet You

For centuries people have described and praised love as a flame striking at the heart. Sonnets, stories and novels tell stories about young lovers who through all kinds of adversity find love and come to live happily ever after.

Each one of us tends to believe this magic, to submit our whole life to it in the search of our own fabulous love story. And why not, you probably think! But for us to truly be able to say: “I Am Ready to Meet You”, we really must be free of our past and at peace in ourselves. This is the foundation and the beginning of a new life where Happy Ever After is truly possible.

And like any great adventure finding the fairy tale requires us to pass through a storm of challenges on the way...

Read More

Playing Out I Am Not OK and You Are Not OK

I Am Not OK and You Are Not OK

How each of the Game Positions Plays Out I Am Not OK and You Are Not OK

Every year the Academy presents the Award for Best Motion Picture – Drama or Serial distinguished by exclusive audience interest. In real life, however, there is no Academy to present us with awards for the roles we play. But we make every endeavour to fight for that Oscar, creating inappropriate relationships, where we often find ourselves telling our partner: “I Am Not OK”. People love the drama genre, and that is not only in movies, books, and serials, but in their own personal life as well.

Here are the three main characters and their view of life in their real life movies.

The Aggressor: I Am Not OK

Aggressors are not OK, and for them, no one else can be OK either...

Read More

A Game People Play: The Martyr

A Game People Play: The Martyr

I was at the shopping centre last week finishing off my weekly shopping. I opened the car boot and was putting my shopping bags in when I overhear a conversation between a woman and a friend. They had parked their car next to mine and were gathering their things to obviously go and do some shopping of their own.

I heard one woman say that she was sick of still having to cook for her adult sons especially when they always wanted something different from each other and obviously made their wants clear. Then she spoke about her husband who had his own wants when it came to the meals that this woman would prepare for them. She complained bitterly that they all still relied on her to do not just their cooking but their cleaning and washing as well...

Read More

A Game People Play: The Helpless

The Helpless

Every family is a multifaceted reflection of the surrounding world. In this variegated kaleidoscope of personalities and tempers we distinguish three basic behavioural models: the Aggressor, the Helpless, and the Martyr.

These three roles describe the life positions from which people play their games on a daily basis in their lives which is a means to support the basic life script that these same individuals live their lives by.

Regardless of whether the case is about a family of four or a household that includes three generations living under the same roof, each of the above roles is generally present in at least one of the household members. So if there is one clear Aggressor in the family, then inevitably there will be more than one Helpless or Martyr...

Read More