Am I OK? Are You OK?

am I OK

Helpless Aggressor Martyr

What does it really mean to be “OK”? Is there a formula that we need to follow to in order to be okay? When are we okay? Is it when we feel loved and respected, or when we feel someone needs us and that make us feel important? Is happiness something to fight for or it is something that comes to us when we’re done the battle with ourselves?

To sum it up – each of us is either predominantly OK with life and how it’s progressing, or not. I think you might be able to guess which is better. Victors live out a very clear “I’m OK and you’re OK” life script, while both Visitors and Victims live out a predominantly “I’m not OK, you’re not OK” life script.

Let’s look at this from the perspective of the Survivor’s Triangle.

The Aggressor

Aggressors are the bullies of the world, who often begin in the playground and progress to the workplace, and even into their homes. They acquire “friends” through coercion and sowing fear; otherwise, they focus their attention on Helpless people, who see themselves from an opposing belief system.

The Aggressor’s purpose is principally to find someone else to put down: someone Helpless.

Aggressors simply need to feel better usually because they have been victimised or have victimized themselves when they were young. However, Aggressors might need to believe this just to allow themselves some semblance of being OK. If they drilled a little deeper into their psyches, they actually might see the truth, but they disallow looking deeper because they fear what it might actually mean.

The Aggressor and Helpless therefore tend to unconsciously seek (and find) each other. Consequently they often become partners in relationships.

 The Helpless

As described earlier, those in the position of Helpless seek out Aggressors to put them down or Martyrs to take care of them. This translates into “others will always put me down” or “I am not able to take care of myself.”

Their viewpoint appears to be “I’m not OK, but everyone else is OK.” That automatically brings up manipulative behaviour and they create a situation where they either make the Martyrs feel bad that they are OK, or provokes the Aggressor to prove to them they are really not OK.

Simply they need to follow the path that they believe in. They convince themselves that it will always be like that and there is no hope of anything getting better. Usually the Helpless needs an Aggressor to be constantly reminding them what they already believe about themselves and others.

In this way their models pair up in a relationship. And, of course, the longer they stay, the more deadly the situation and the games can become.

The Martyr

The life view of the Martyr also appears at first sight to be “I’m OK, but no one else is.” These people therefore help others, not from a position of goodwill, but from one of believing that others are incapable and need help or that no-one can do as well as they themselves.

Ironically, they find themselves always putting others first, because they actually need to be needed. The Martyr needs to help others; to prove to themselves they are here and they are meaningful for someone.

The Martyr needs the Helpless, just as the Aggressor does, but for different reasons – they want to “rescue” the Helpless from the Aggressor.

In general if there is game that is being played, that is an indication that something is not okay.

Depending on the childhood models that we have, we all could be described as one of the three characters depending on what behaviour dominates in our relationships.

At the end of the day there isn’t a better or worse model of the three. They are all equally negative.

The Positions in Summary

The Aggressor bullies the others and this is how they get what they want at the first place. But to sum it up, you can never get and have for real what you want, if you’re forcing it.

The Helpless always plays the victim and they are helpless and hopeless and need to be taken care of.

The Martyr feels like no one is okay and has to take care of everyone and everything.

I would be happy to know your thoughts on these games people play. Please comment below.

To the wonder of you,





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