roles tagged posts

What Games Do Couples Play? (Part 7)

Lyn and James Game

Some people realize they are having problems at an early stage in their relationship while others they only realize there have been problems when their relationship is about to break down.

As with every other couple, with Lyn and James, the problems appearing are connected with both their childhoods.  Lyn had grown up in a family with three older brothers and a mother who was struggling to manage as she and her husband had separated some years before.

Lyn’s mother was anxious and depressed and on medication and her father was only occasionally available to take care of the children.

As she was still young at the time, Lyn knew very little of what happened to separate her parents...

Read More

What Games Do Couples Play? (Part 6)

Games Couples Play 6

Vanessa and Mark’s Games

Most often on the surface, things can look really good or really bad, depending on what exactly we’re looking at as well as the angle of our perspective. Some couples are envied for the way their love looks on the surface and for the happiness they seem to have.  Vanessa and Mark seemed to have had it all in the beginning and they believed that they had the best marriage going until one day it just all went wrong.

Of course, when something goes wrong with a marriage, there must be an issue with both people and the way their characters combine in creating the games they play. Usually, the issues revolve around consequences of communication styles, games that the individuals play or just incompatible personalities.

The problem started with Vanessa and the way s...

Read More

What Games Do Couples Play? (Part 2)

What Games Do Couples Play Part 2

Beth and Roger’s Games – What Obstructed Their Relationship Progress?

There are few things that obstructed Beth and Roger‘s relationship. Surely the first thing to mention is the miscommunications between them. Having in mind their childhood experiences and the way they have developed certain patterns in their way of relating to each other, it is obvious that their effective communication skills are limited.

By “skills” I mean the ability to say what you really want to say and to give yourself time to understand what the other person is saying.

I also mean the ability to listen not in order to answer, but in order to understand.

It also means being honest with each other in those communications.

Situations like this and the resulting crisis in the relationship are most often a sig...

Read More

It Takes Two to Play Games

It Takes Two to Play Games

Why Do We Play Games?

Just as we need two people to agree to tango so too it takes two people to subconsciously agree to play the psychological games we all play.

However, they don’t realize how exactly the game is being played, or how it all started, but usually the payoff for both sides is negative and it comes fast.

The whole process of playing games comes from an earlier stage of one’s development during childhood. Most of the time games happen automatically, like a habit that the brain has in creating realities that we believe and live in.

Watching other people’s behaviours in early childhood is the core of the games being played later on...

Read More

Drama-Free Life: Is It Possible?

Drama-Free Life: Don't Make an Elephant Out of a Fly

Life Is Not a TV Drama

Is it possible to live a drama free life? Is it necessary to have drama in our lives in order to feel balanced when it is over? Isn’t it easier to just exclude even the smallest possibility of turning a fly into an elephant? What make us create dramas in our lives when this is the thing we fear and dislike the most?

Look at the games the couples in our stories (The Story of Tamara and Alex, The Story of Vanessa and Mark, Vanessa and Mark (cont), Detecting Games in Relationships, Responding Assertively to Game Playing).

An Exercise

If you want you can challenge yourself: try imagining each game discussed as initiated by anyone, of either sex, and imagine how that game story might play out...

Read More

Responding Assertively to Game Playing

Responding Assertively to Game Playing

I will illustrate the topic with an example from the story of “Lyn” and “James”.

At one time Lyn decides to take her children on vacation with a girlfriend and her children for a few days. But when Lyn tells James of the plan, he is not OK with it. When she asks why, he just says, “Because I said so.” When she says she is definitely going but would like his consent, he again refuses to give it.

Earlier in their relationship, Lyn would have backed down, but this time she decides to go anyway. James remains angry and revengeful. On Lyn’s return, James refuses to speak to her, and they go to bed in silence. The next morning, Lyn wakes to discover that James is not there. She finds him in the living room with her wallet and a pair of scissors cutting up her credit cards.

She ask...

Read More

Five Ways to Respond to Game Playing

Five Ways to Respond to Game Playing

STOP Goku S.S. vs Majin Bu - Cosplay A house of mirrors in the Czech Republic Mine's bigger than yours

When you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is about to explode then it might be an indicator that you are being invited into a game. It might be something that someone else says or may be conveyed by a gesture, a look on their faces, by touch, or even by a period of silence.

When this happens you have several choices in considering the best response. Here are a few of them:

  • Ignore it. Ignoring a problem or a situation usually doesn’t solve them, but when it comes to games of first degree this might appear to be the wiser reaction one could approach...
Read More

Detecting Games in the Relationship

Detecting Games in the Relationship - The Story of Lyn and JamesThe Story of Lyn and James

“Lyn” and “James” have been married for ten years and have three children. When they first met, Lyn had just left school. James was fifteen years older and had already been in the workforce for some time.

At the time they met Lyn still lived at home, while James had his own place. Lyn looked up to James for support and guidance and he was able to be that at a time when Lyn was still new to adult relationships and adulthood generally.

Lyn was still somewhat naïve, so she allowed James to advise her in exactly how she was to act as his wife and even what she should be like as a person.

Then things changed.

Lyn grew up and started to have opinions of her own. But whenever she attempted to express them they had a disagreement...

Read More

Game Playing and the Winner’s Triangle

The Winner’s Triangle: I am okay

Many people who have played the Survivor’s Triangle games have realized that it usually doesn’t lead to a good outcome. Then comes the need of a positive outcome and you have to figure out how to make it happen.

Approaching the task logically, if you want a positive outcome to a situation you need to be positive yourself.

All could be different depending on which angle you are watching it from. And if the Survivor’s Triangle is viewed from an “I am okay” position, then the whole picture will change and the roles played will change as well to become the higher “self” of that positive interaction – no longer a game of the negative kind.

For example, the higher self of the Aggressor from the Survivor’s Triangle would turn to an Assertive type on the Winner’s Triangle and will...

Read More

Some More Facts about Game Playing

Game Playing and Duality

Here are some little known facts about the games we play with our partners in relationship:

  • Games are not played only between people in a romantic relationship. They can also be played between family members, between work colleagues, between friends and even between “teams” of people.
  • You need two to tango. All players have to be willing to play otherwise there will be no game. And while playing, each participant can and do make conclusions about the game which may have nothing to do with the payoff of the game itself.
  • Games can be played out of fear.
  • Some people are just scared to let other people get close to them simply because they fear the possibility of the other person leaving and the pain of missing them.
  • Some games can be played out in a minute, though the ultimate script ...
Read More