January 21, 2015,
Family, Games People Play, Relationship, Script 
No comments
I was at the shopping centre last week finishing off my weekly shopping. I opened the car boot and was putting my shopping bags in when I overhear a conversation between a woman and a friend. They had parked their car next to mine and were gathering their things to obviously go and do some shopping of their own.
I heard one woman say that she was sick of still having to cook for her adult sons especially when they always wanted something different from each other and obviously made their wants clear. Then she spoke about her husband who had his own wants when it came to the meals that this woman would prepare for them. She complained bitterly that they all still relied on her to do not just their cooking but their cleaning and washing as well. She spoke about how busy this made her and that she never had time then for herself.
The other woman listened quietly for a time and then asked how old her sons were now. “Oh twenty two and twenty four” she replied “but they could just as well be two and four. They are so useless I still have to do everything for them.”
I think you might all recognize this kind of mum? And I imagine that, like I was, you would be asking the question as to why she would continue to do this for her sons. I think this woman might have a psychological need to be needed and may only be able to define herself as the mother of the boys whose only role in life is to continue to take care of them.
There is a game going on here. Can you guess what it is? Yes, she plays a game maybe titled something like “If I don’t take care of the boys then …”. The game is a Martyr’s game.
The Martyr is the person who does more than they should for everyone else, often at their own expense. The core belief that underlies this position might be “I must ensure that everyone else is OK before I can take care of myself.” It may even include a hint of the attitude that others are helpless and can’t do anything for themselves. If so, an alternative mantra could be “I must do it for them, because they are incapable of doing it for themselves.” or “I must do it for them, because if I don’t, who will?”
It’s all about how that person defines and understands their value as a human being.
Let me give you an example of the typical style of the Martyr.
Another Example of This Game People Play
Another example of a game played from the Martyr’s position could be in a situation where a man does all the housework before he goes to work while his partner does what she wants to do. The same man then spends the day at work and then comes home to cook the evening meal and then bath and puts his young children to bed. All the while his partner is not working and spends her day as she pleases while her children are at daycare or at school.
This man might do this for any one of a number of reasons one of which might be because he just doesn’t think she can do these things as well as him. We might call this game “Let Me Do That For You Because I Can Do It Quicker, Or Better, Than You Can.”
The worst part of this game is not so much in what he does but that he is likely to then complain about it afterwards as it takes him away from what he might otherwise be doing. And on the continuum of intensity of game playing the ultimate martyr may actually come to die or at least give their entire lives to the cause without any regard for their needs. This is obviously not a healthy place to be.
I also don’t mean to take from this the goodwill of those who have given their lives for a truly worthwhile cause. The causes that Martyr’s give their lives to generally are only worthwhile in their own eyes and actually don’t help anyone.
This Game People Play is played from a life position of Victim or, to a lesser extent, Visitor.
There is no good whatsoever in any game playing. This might seem like a broad statement to make, and it needs to be separated from the times when people legitimately feel “not OK,” such as when they are ill, stressed, feeling burned out or just tired.
The difference is, people who live out a negative script from the life position of Victim can’t actually see any way out. So they stay in the “I’m not OK, and you’re not OK, either” position.
I am looking forward to hearing you own opinion about the Martyr’s position. Please, share with me your observations and how often in your everyday life you meet Martyrs in The Game People Play.
To the wonder of you,
Leave a reply