unconscious decisions tagged posts

Creating Change Through Counselling (Part 1)

Creating Change Through Counselling

The Main Categories of Counsellors

Many people are somewhat afraid and ashamed when it comes to help, especially on the topic of feelings, mentality and psyche.

Realizing there’s a problem and a need for it to be solved is the first step in solving it.

There are a few different categories when it comes to therapy in general. Counsellors fall into one of four main categories: behaviour therapy, cognitive therapy, counselling, or psychotherapy.

None of them is better than the other and each of them can lead to the effect that is being wanted, namely inner peace and happiness...

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It Takes Two to Play Games

It Takes Two to Play Games

Why Do We Play Games?

Just as we need two people to agree to tango so too it takes two people to subconsciously agree to play the psychological games we all play.

However, they don’t realize how exactly the game is being played, or how it all started, but usually the payoff for both sides is negative and it comes fast.

The whole process of playing games comes from an earlier stage of one’s development during childhood. Most of the time games happen automatically, like a habit that the brain has in creating realities that we believe and live in.

Watching other people’s behaviours in early childhood is the core of the games being played later on...

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Some More Facts about Game Playing

Game Playing and Duality

Here are some little known facts about the games we play with our partners in relationship:

  • Games are not played only between people in a romantic relationship. They can also be played between family members, between work colleagues, between friends and even between “teams” of people.
  • You need two to tango. All players have to be willing to play otherwise there will be no game. And while playing, each participant can and do make conclusions about the game which may have nothing to do with the payoff of the game itself.
  • Games can be played out of fear.
  • Some people are just scared to let other people get close to them simply because they fear the possibility of the other person leaving and the pain of missing them.
  • Some games can be played out in a minute, though the ultimate script ...
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Insignificant Games and Serious Games

Insignificant Games and Serious GamesWe need to spice up our life every now and then and, as my husband and I so often do, we play teasing games with each other. But when do games that are played in jest become something more serious game with a negative consequence for the relationship? And how do we tell them apart?

In the Survivor’s triangle each of the “game-players” play and respond differently and express themselves differently as their emotional state dictates from time to time.

There are three degrees of games though all games can be placed somewhere on a continuum according to how each person experiences it. In addition the outcome for the relationship will also be affected depending on the perspective of each “player”.

First Degree Games

First Degree Games are generally pretty harmless and people might eve...

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Levels of Consciousness

Iceberg of ConsciousnessYour memory stores all kinds of information from your life’s experiences. We make sense of those events, attach them to other events as we deem appropriate and store them, no matter how trivial they might seem, somewhere for future reference as needed.

You might surprise yourself by how much trivia you seem to have stored that just pops up, seemingly from nowhere, from time to time while at other times we just can’t seem to access some basic stuff that we really need at that moment, like where did you leave your keys or wallet.

Within our subconscious minds different layers keep information with different levels of importance, age, intensity and impact. Each kept unconsciously within us and differently from the others.

It is amazing that actually everything you have ever experienced ev...

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The Purpose of the Games People Play

The Purpose of the Games People Play

People often ask me – why are relationships so complicated? The short answer is – because there are two in the game.

The games people play are a complicated mix of roles that are lived out unconsciously and driven by the equally unconscious need to stand by them on a daily basis. In short these are habits, and we’re referring here to the bad ones, that we live our lives by.

Eric Berne notes: The general advantage of a game consists in its stabilizing (homeostatic) functions. Biological homeostasis is promoted by stroking (the means individuals use to communicate something with another), and psychological stability is reinforced by the confirmation of a set position (that is their life position).

The Games People Play Are Intended to Re-establish Predictability

A relationship “game” ...

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The Rebound Relationship

Couple of Butterflies

I met a client yesterday who told me that for no apparent reason or cause her partner came to her one day and told her he wasn’t happy. He said he wanted to take six months living separately from her to decide whether he really wanted to be in this relationship. She was dumbfounded and asked whether he was seeing someone else. He denied it. He just kept saying he wasn’t happy and needed some time separate.

Couples often do not realize the problems that prevent them from being happy. Instead, they keep searching for the answers outside of themselves and outside of their relationships rather than looking within.

Furthermore, there are many cases when following a break-up, one of the couple jumps into a new relationship before taking the time to explore their part in the breakup...

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A Game People Play: The Martyr

A Game People Play: The Martyr

I was at the shopping centre last week finishing off my weekly shopping. I opened the car boot and was putting my shopping bags in when I overhear a conversation between a woman and a friend. They had parked their car next to mine and were gathering their things to obviously go and do some shopping of their own.

I heard one woman say that she was sick of still having to cook for her adult sons especially when they always wanted something different from each other and obviously made their wants clear. Then she spoke about her husband who had his own wants when it came to the meals that this woman would prepare for them. She complained bitterly that they all still relied on her to do not just their cooking but their cleaning and washing as well...

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The Games People Play

Victors - Visitors - Victims

As a little child we all played funny games where the die determined our luck and our eventual triumph at the final. Have you ever noticed that in a particular situation participants have different reactions to the way a game progresses. Some of them feel themselves to be the winners the very moment they take the dice, while others feel scared while playing at dice, and third are desperate feelings some have that this would be just another time they would not get a double six.

The more the players are, the more the reactions are. Just as in life, isn’t it? The games people play bring them joy, disappointment or pride.

Eric Berne and His Theory

Differently from the games like those above the life that you ultimately come to live, and all that you think, feel, say, and do in it, is for the ...

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Theories about Choosing a Partner

Is It Chemistry or Script

Recently I was having dinner with my friends in one of our local restaurants, far away from the noise of the city. At the table next to us another company of friends were enjoying their Saturday while having a good feed drinking fine wine and sharing stories. Suddenly their conversation turned to the methods for choosing a partner to spend one’s life with.

I couldn’t help extending my ear to them. This was a true niggling for my experience as a therapist. What were these love couples thinking of love, their relationships, and of life in general?

What I discovered was that they were each very strongly in favour of their opinion and were clearly in support of one of two positions: The first one defended their thesis that love was chemistry, and the second one – that love was somehow pre-o...

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