January 14, 2016,
Games People Play, Relationship, Script 
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We need to spice up our life every now and then and, as my husband and I so often do, we play teasing games with each other. But when do games that are played in jest become something more serious game with a negative consequence for the relationship? And how do we tell them apart?
In the Survivor’s triangle each of the “game-players” play and respond differently and express themselves differently as their emotional state dictates from time to time.
There are three degrees of games though all games can be placed somewhere on a continuum according to how each person experiences it. In addition the outcome for the relationship will also be affected depending on the perspective of each “player”.
First Degree Games
First Degree Games are generally pretty harmless and people might even call it “a joke”. I often refer to these in a relationship as ‘bedroom games’.
I want to emphasise here the word ‘generally’ as we don’t always know how a person might really be taking it even if said as a ‘joke’.
These can also be the kinds of games played between family members or close friends, not only couples. This type normally doesn’t affect the relationship between the people however it can be easy to overstep the mark and not even know that what might have been ok yesterday may not be today.
An example could be when, with a group of friends say, a wife starts joking about the style of music her husband listens to. Everybody laughs and no one is seriously hurt. However next time when she is around he might not play that music because he feels like she will comment on it again. It is obvious now that this has gone beyond being just a ‘joke’.
Or let’s say a wife asks her husband whether her wrinkles are very deep or only she sees them that way and he tells her that they are, but he still loves her and he likes her wrinkles. At this moment the wife forgets about the wrinkles and pays more attention to the loving comment and all is well.
First degree games usually feel like these ones, but we must be mindful that they can easily turn into something more offensive.
Second Degree Games
Second Degree Games cause much more damage to the relationship and the outcome could be an escalation in fighting and an imbalance in the relationship. It happens over the things of everyday life and they are usually minor but it can escalate very quickly into something much more threatening to the couple.
Second degree games will create tension between the players. However, if both partners are willing to fix the issue and they talk it over and agree on not doing this or that again, then the damage of the game can be avoided. In this scenario it can even give the couple an opportunity to become closer as they learn new things about each other and their relationship.
For example, a couple is having unnecessary conflict over whether the cat’s food should be stored in container or in the plastic wrap. It might seem an insignificant issue, just like joking with someone about their taste in music, but it is still a conflict and they both store the outcome, whether they won or gave in, in their subconscious minds until next time.
Or let’s say that the wife is constantly dreaming out loud about an expensive island holiday that the family budget cannot afford which she knows. She, however, constantly jokes with her husband about it and that happens when with other people too. On the surface he smiles as everyone else does but underneath he might feel depressed as a man unable to provide what his wife wants. She, in turn, also feels depressed at not having what she wants and maybe secretly wants to punish her husband for that.
I guess this is the really critical point about ‘game playing’. What we see or hear on the surface is not necessarily the truth of what is really going on at a subconscious level.
Third Degree Games
This is game playing at the extreme level of the continuum. Third Degree Games can and do cause serious damage to a relationship. Saying that I don’t only mean psychological but maybe also psychically as well.
If the game has escalated to such a level, it probably means that there is a lot underneath that has been suppressed and maybe for a long time even, and not just in this relationship but even residually from previous relationships.
It most likely started and resides at an unconscious level out of the individual’s awareness. Sometimes, however, one of the partners consciously hurts the other person while still unaware as to why they would do that.
If the problems underlying the relationship is not addressed, and resolved, the outcome can be extreme physical and emotional violence that affects everyone around them including their children and extended families. The ultimate outcome of Third Degree Games usually has one or both parties attending at the hospital, the courtroom or, in the extreme, the morgue as a result of a death.
Viewed from the Survivor’s Triangle each of the players play it differently at the Third degree. A Helpless would probably commit suicide, when an Aggressor would follow a homicidal scenario. A Martyr would die for a cause, maybe even creating one where one does not yet exist.
Let me know your thoughts on this piece of theory and let’s keep the conversation going as we all make a commitment to our relationships to eliminate game playing of this kind altogether.
To the wonder of you,
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