November 10, 2015,
Games People Play, Relationship, Script 
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People often ask me – why are relationships so complicated? The short answer is – because there are two in the game.
The games people play are a complicated mix of roles that are lived out unconsciously and driven by the equally unconscious need to stand by them on a daily basis. In short these are habits, and we’re referring here to the bad ones, that we live our lives by.
Eric Berne notes: The general advantage of a game consists in its stabilizing (homeostatic) functions. Biological homeostasis is promoted by stroking (the means individuals use to communicate something with another), and psychological stability is reinforced by the confirmation of a set position (that is their life position).
The Games People Play Are Intended to Re-establish Predictability
A relationship “game” is the way you get your subconsciously held script (pre-programmed) beliefs confirmed by those around you. The game is the way the script is acted out in real life and will be as different from any other as each person playing them.
So just like each game of tennis or chess is different depending on who’s playing it, and against whom they are playing, so too will each psychological game be different depending on what the players’ previous life experiences have been. You’ve probably realized by now that there is no good whatsoever in playing games. People get hurt!
It’s important to understand here that there is going to be a huge difference between your script and your partner’s script. Your script is leading you through the rules of the game and your partner might be, subconsciously, trying to play his own game.
What Makes Games Different from Other Communication?
Games are distinct from other forms of communication in two ways:
- The hidden agenda behind what is actually being said or not said
- The payoff you both take (playing the game confirms what you already believe about yourself or others)
The theory goes something like this: there is no such thing as chance. Everything we do, think, say, and feel, has a reason, which is always based on the belief that we will benefit in some way. The benefit may be perceived as positive at some level, though it is more than likely actually negative: never really giving us what we hoped for.
Let me explain. Everything you do in your life is to fulfil the script beliefs you hold. So, if you believe that you’re unlovable, you create experiences with others that will support your belief. You will not find the love.
Let’s go a little deeper into the theory. The game and the outcome (the payoff) don’t just happen; it is subconsciously very carefully considered and orchestrated to get exactly the outcome you intended. The payoff, then, is the confirmation that what you already believed is actually true.
So, if you already believe that you are unlovable, then you’ll speak and act in a way that ensures that others treat you exactly that way. For you, being unlovable might mean that every time you go into a new relationship, your partner takes you for granted. He or she disregards your feelings and wants and just continues to do what pleases him or her, without any consultation or consideration of you.
If you were ever brave enough to say something about the situation, somehow your partner would turn it around, leaving you feeling that you are responsible for whatever happened and once again confirming that you are unlovable.
The only way to get out of the games you play is to start working on these both together and separately. The nature of a strong relation is in its ability to build real relationships. Of course, this excludes playing games. It is important to figure out whether you are ready to face the challenges of the relationship.
Do you have the desire to build a strong basis for your future partnership? Write to me and share your experience. When was the first time you were objective in realizing what you wanted from the life with your loved one – a truth or illusion of a relationship?
To the wonder of you,
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