change tagged posts

Creating Change Through Counselling (Part 2)

Golf and Other Games People Play

Finding compassion for people and situations you hadn’t imagined you would is a good way to free yourself from any past hurts and things that are holding you back. Forgiveness and a balanced and considered reaction to mistreatment can actually win the “game”.

Let me explain this with an example. Jon (made up person) is playing a game of golf at the club with three people he had not played with before. He is certainly the new kid on the block and is feeling every bit of it. They are playing for a competition and he is basically tagging along for a bit of fun. He’d decided some time ago that enjoying a game of golf for him is more about being outdoors and being in the fresh air in beautiful parkland rather than about any need to compete...

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Creating Change Through Counselling (Part 1)

Creating Change Through Counselling

The Main Categories of Counsellors

Many people are somewhat afraid and ashamed when it comes to help, especially on the topic of feelings, mentality and psyche.

Realizing there’s a problem and a need for it to be solved is the first step in solving it.

There are a few different categories when it comes to therapy in general. Counsellors fall into one of four main categories: behaviour therapy, cognitive therapy, counselling, or psychotherapy.

None of them is better than the other and each of them can lead to the effect that is being wanted, namely inner peace and happiness...

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Is The Life You Have Good Enough?

Is The Life You Have Good Enough?

Limiting Feelings, Limiting Beliefs and Limiting Behaviours

There are various ways to relieve yourself from a script and a game your mind is used to playing. Many of these are therapeutic which includes many different techniques and practices. In the USA there are about 450 registered associations that offer different help for limiting beliefs, behaviours, and feelings. These three combine to create the scripts we live our lives by.

“Limiting” here means something that holds you back, restricting you from living a truly happy life. It refers to an old way of being that is no longer useful in your life. Feelings, beliefs, and behaviours based on negative past experiences can all be limiting if held onto.

In therapy, you get an opportunity to review those limitations and make changes so tha...

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What Games Do Couples Play? (Part 6)

Games Couples Play 6

Vanessa and Mark’s Games

Most often on the surface, things can look really good or really bad, depending on what exactly we’re looking at as well as the angle of our perspective. Some couples are envied for the way their love looks on the surface and for the happiness they seem to have.  Vanessa and Mark seemed to have had it all in the beginning and they believed that they had the best marriage going until one day it just all went wrong.

Of course, when something goes wrong with a marriage, there must be an issue with both people and the way their characters combine in creating the games they play. Usually, the issues revolve around consequences of communication styles, games that the individuals play or just incompatible personalities.

The problem started with Vanessa and the way s...

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What Games Do Couples Play? (Part 5)

The Gotcha Game

The “Gotcha” Game

When a game is being played, there are two sides, so while Alex was playing his game, Tamara was “feeding” her own game too. Her needs match his needs in the meaning that for her he is somebody that makes sure she is not responsible for the quality or success of their marriage.

They both blame it on the other – he blames every little thing on her and she blames it on his affairs. This “blaming” is both exposing and defending and specifically, Tamara’s game may be called “Gotcha”.

As in “If it weren’t for you”, this game also belongs to the Aggressor’s list of games. Even though there were many heated arguments, mostly Tamara’s game was even more manipulative than his game and dangerous because it was hidden and passive aggressive.

The role o...

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Drama-Free Life: Is It Possible?

Drama-Free Life: Don't Make an Elephant Out of a Fly

Life Is Not a TV Drama

Is it possible to live a drama free life? Is it necessary to have drama in our lives in order to feel balanced when it is over? Isn’t it easier to just exclude even the smallest possibility of turning a fly into an elephant? What make us create dramas in our lives when this is the thing we fear and dislike the most?

Look at the games the couples in our stories (The Story of Tamara and Alex, The Story of Vanessa and Mark, Vanessa and Mark (cont), Detecting Games in Relationships, Responding Assertively to Game Playing).

An Exercise

If you want you can challenge yourself: try imagining each game discussed as initiated by anyone, of either sex, and imagine how that game story might play out...

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Five Ways to Respond to Game Playing

Five Ways to Respond to Game Playing

STOP Goku S.S. vs Majin Bu - Cosplay A house of mirrors in the Czech Republic Mine's bigger than yours

When you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is about to explode then it might be an indicator that you are being invited into a game. It might be something that someone else says or may be conveyed by a gesture, a look on their faces, by touch, or even by a period of silence.

When this happens you have several choices in considering the best response. Here are a few of them:

  • Ignore it. Ignoring a problem or a situation usually doesn’t solve them, but when it comes to games of first degree this might appear to be the wiser reaction one could approach...
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Relationship Stage 4: Recoupling (When You Put “Relate” back into Relationship)

Relationship Stage 4: RecouplingHave you ever heard this Indian song?

You will start to love your life again my friend
and that is all, there’s nothing more to say
singing hey lay oh hey
singing hey lay oh ha

If life is a theatre play we are playing the fourth act of our relationship – Recoupling. This song would be the most appropriate and most meaningful music background.The World is full of wonders and individuality is one of them. In finding ourselves, our own inner Universe, we have the real opportunity to share it with another human being and to mutually exchange feelings, emotions, and life.Nothing else matters now when two human beings find their way towards one another with the freedom to communicate independently and autonomously...
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Challenges for Couples in Relationship Stage 3

Challenges for Couples in Relationship Stage 3

The principal challenge for couples in Relationship Stage 3

The principal challenge for couples in Relationship Stage 3 is to develop an even stronger personal identity and sense of self than each had before meeting—one that is separate from the relationship, while not so separate that the partners lose sight of each other. Each member of the couple gets involved again in career, hobbies, and/or interests in community activities independently of the partner. This stage is also about spending time with other friends and in other activities, reactivating and consolidating the development of one’s self-esteem, friendships, and personal interests.

Let me share with you one of the most common mistakes couples make while rediscovering their boundaries...

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Addiction to Love and Other Challenges in Stage 2

Addicted to LoveDo you know the image of the Eternal bachelor, of Casanova, with a charming smile and shining eyes? This is the image of the love addict striving to always feel, at any price, in love and part of an endless honeymoon. This is an archetype for many main characters in movies and novels. Whether you recognize them in the movies, on the street or in the flower shop, you can be sure that this person will give you an unforgettable honeymoon, but it will not be forever.

You Might As Well Face It; You’re Addicted to Love

Some people are so addicted to love that they skip from one relationship to another just to experience the buzz of a new relationship rather than endure the heartache that Stage 2 may create.

So, instead of searching for what could come next, they abandon the relationship and se...

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