healthy relationship tagged posts

June 5, 2017,  Fundamental Human Needs, Games People Play, Relationship, Relationship Tips  No comments

Vanessa and Mark’s Games

Most often on the surface, things can look really good or really bad, depending on what exactly we’re looking at as well as the angle of our perspective. Some couples are envied for the way their love looks on the surface and for the happiness they seem to have.  Vanessa and Mark seemed to have had it all in the beginning and they believed that they had the best marriage going until one day it just all went wrong.

Of course, when something goes wrong with a marriage, there must be an issue with both people and the way their characters combine in creating the games they play. Usually, the issues revolve around consequences of communication styles, games that the individuals play or just incompatible personalities.

The problem started with Vanessa and the way s...

April 24, 2017,  Fundamental Human Needs, Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

The “Gotcha” Game

When a game is being played, there are two sides, so while Alex was playing his game, Tamara was “feeding” her own game too. Her needs match his needs in the meaning that for her he is somebody that makes sure she is not responsible for the quality or success of their marriage.

They both blame it on the other – he blames every little thing on her and she blames it on his affairs. This “blaming” is both exposing and defending and specifically, Tamara’s game may be called “Gotcha”.

As in “If it weren’t for you”, this game also belongs to the Aggressor’s list of games. Even though there were many heated arguments, mostly Tamara’s game was even more manipulative than his game and dangerous because it was hidden and passive aggressive.

The role o...

April 7, 2017,  Family, Fundamental Human Needs, Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

How and Why Games Began

It seems that Tamara and Alex’s game began when had their first child. However, in truth, the root of the issues presenting themselves has a longer history and it starts with Alex’s early life.

As often happens, when the first child is being born, the father can feel replaced and ignored. This certainly happened to Alex. But added to the background of his relationship with Tamara, or the lack of it, was his relationship with his father and the feeling of rejection he experienced then that consequently escalated now.

Back then, when he was a child, he wasn’t aware consciously of the missing figure of his father because he had everything he wanted.

The gulf between Tamara and Alex grew even wider when Alex went to work for the science and technology company whe...

March 22, 2017,  Family, Fundamental Human Needs, Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

Tamara and Alex’s Games

Things need to be clear in order to be understood. By clear I mean the background story and the connection to the current issues to it need to be understood to fully comprehend what the current issues are about before responding.

Usually issues come up when something far distant in the past which has nothing to do with current issue impacts on the resolution and/or even the understanding. Consequently, what you might think about a situation will often be the exact opposite of what I think about it.

Understanding and being clear about each other’s past helps build the future of the relationship better and can prevent issues from occurring.

Each relationship has its stages and it’s important to recognize the stage and its needs.

In fact, to be in a happy relati...

March 16, 2017,  Family, Fundamental Human Needs, Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

Beth and Roger’s Games – What Obstructed Their Relationship Progress?

There are few things that obstructed Beth and Roger‘s relationship. Surely the first thing to mention is the miscommunications between them. Having in mind their childhood experiences and the way they have developed certain patterns in their way of relating to each other, it is obvious that their effective communication skills are limited.

By “skills” I mean the ability to say what you really want to say and to give yourself time to understand what the other person is saying.

I also mean the ability to listen not in order to answer, but in order to understand.

It also means being honest with each other in those communications.

Situations like this and the resulting crisis in the relationship are most often a sig...

March 1, 2017,  Family, Fundamental Human Needs, Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

Beth and Roger’s Games

The story of Beth and Roger may look superficial or like nothing is really happening and affecting their relationship, but if the situation is analysed and looked at more closely, a lot of underwater details appear and give some clues to something happening at a subconscious level not evident when looking at it consciously.

The problem occurs when one of their children doesn’t want to attend the other child’s birthday party. Beth gets upset and expects Roger to take care of her feelings and to console her, but he is unable to do it.

Questions immediately appear and some of them are: what is so distressing about this situation and why so and even more so what roles are both playing and why?

The truth is, as bystanders to the situation it seems that Beth and R...

February 1, 2017,  Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

Why Do We Play Games?

Just as we need two people to agree to tango so too it takes two people to subconsciously agree to play the psychological games we all play.

However, they don’t realize how exactly the game is being played, or how it all started, but usually the payoff for both sides is negative and it comes fast.

The whole process of playing games comes from an earlier stage of one’s development during childhood. Most of the time games happen automatically, like a habit that the brain has in creating realities that we believe and live in.

Watching other people’s behaviours in early childhood is the core of the games being played later on...

January 11, 2017,  Exercise, Family, Fundamental Human Needs, Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

Life Is Not a TV Drama

Is it possible to live a drama free life? Is it necessary to have drama in our lives in order to feel balanced when it is over? Isn’t it easier to just exclude even the smallest possibility of turning a fly into an elephant? What make us create dramas in our lives when this is the thing we fear and dislike the most?

Look at the games the couples in our stories (The Story of Tamara and Alex, The Story of Vanessa and Mark, Vanessa and Mark (cont), Detecting Games in Relationships, Responding Assertively to Game Playing).

An Exercise

If you want you can challenge yourself: try imagining each game discussed as initiated by anyone, of either sex, and imagine how that game story might play out...

April 30, 2016,  Exercise, Relationship, Relationship Tips  No comments

Pavlov’s Dogs and Skinner’s Theory of Conditioning

Ivan Pavlov, a Russian Physiologist, and BF Skinner, a US Psychologist, are most well known for their experiments with behaviour in the early 1900s.

You might recall hearing about Pavlov’s behaviour modification experiments with dogs and pairing feeding them meat with a ringing bell. Naturally the dog would begin to salivate at the sight of the meat.

Over time Pavlov proved he could change the dog’s behaviour and could get the dog to salivate on the ringing bell even when there was no meat present.

Then Skinner expanded on this theory it into what’s now called Behaviourism. He showed that all behaviours could be modified and that this is how certain behaviours developed in the first place...

March 23, 2016,  Exercise, Relationship, Relationship Tips  No comments

When in relationship, as in life, our thoughts, feelings and behaviours become habits. Getting what you want could thereby follow those old well-worn habits, sometimes successfully and sometimes not.

If not, you could use this to inspire and even change the way you express your thoughts and feelings.

You can become more assertive by following a formula when expressing what you like and what you want to change, according to who it is being directed at and how it will be received.

How to Be Assertive

Here’s the formula I use and teach my clients:

“I feel…” (Here, simply name the feeling or feelings)

“…when…” (Describe the situation that creates the feeling, but try to neutralize it so it doesn’t sound like blaming...