December 17, 2015,
Family, Games People Play, Relationship, Script 
No comments
All Psychological Games get played from one of three positions. These can be seen in action on the Survivor’s Triangle.
I call it the “Survivor’s Triangle,” because, while games are destructive, you play them in response to whatever you were taught, or decided, as a child. It was the way you learned to survive in your family and in society.
As well when you are a child you ‘by default’ need to be taken care of, to be helped and pampered because you are a tiny and weak creature. You simply need to survive as a child biologically and later on emotionally so you naturally do whatever you need to ensure that happens.
Survival or Imprisonment?
Each of the triangle’s corners represents one of the three stances that someone might take in a game. Each stance tends to become “scripted” into our personalities, so that we each have a position we are most familiar with and most “comfortable” in. It’s the position about which you would say, “This is where I always end up.” And it is absolutely normal to arrive at the same place if you take the same road over and over again.
But you can decide to get out of your comfort zone. Your comfort zone is the place where you most often go when in stress or distress. Even though it might not solve the problem you at least know what follows.
Unless you face your fear to cross the border your comfort zone will become your prison.
A Personal Story
When I was young I married the man who I thought was my prince. Our ‘castle’ was a large parcel of land with a beautiful home overlooking the water. My husband and I enjoyed sharing what we had with our many friends.
Friday morning was “girl’s” morning and each week several of my friends would come with their children and we would play tennis, swim in the pool and share picnic lunches out on the lawn while the children played.
On one such morning a woman who I had befriended only recently came to join the group. It was shortly after my mother had died and I was showing my friends a small sapphire ring that had been bequeathed to me by her. I left the ring on my dressing table and rejoined my friends.
At the end of the day when all the mothers had gone home I discovered the ring was missing. I believed I knew who had taken it and felt Helpless in my ability to do anything about it. I had been tricked.
To put this into a game context this is what I think happened: In my belief that I wasn’t important enough I opened my home too quickly to someone I did not know. I met her and felt sorry for her as she didn’t have what I had. I was the Martyr in the game and she the Helpless.
I understand that she may have been victimized herself in her life. As I look back now I also believe that she may have envied me for what I had instead of accepting it as it was offered for her to share with my other friends and me.
I believe she stole the ring and that it was for the reason discussed above that she stole the ring, even though I was never able to prove it.
So the tables had somewhat turned. I was now the Helpless and she – the Aggressor. I came away feeling once again that my needs were not important to anyone and nor to myself as I was the one who exposed myself and my home to her exploitation.
I’m not sure what her scripted belief was but I sense that as this concluded our friendship it did not end well for her either and I suspect that she did not really get any joy out of my mother’s ring.
Maybe her belief, as this was her outcome, was that she will never get to enjoy the really good things in life nor the good friendships that are there to have. She was however, I believe, acting out her script directive.
I would love your thoughts on my summation. Feel free to respond.
To the wonder of you,
Leave a reply