Category Games People Play

The Traffic Light for Change

The Traffic Light for ChangeIn all relationships there is only one kind of response to your partner that is acceptable. If the couple are well tuned to themselves and each other this could be happening from the beginning though for many this is a growth thing and doesn’t develop until much later as you come to know each other more.

In the meanwhile, the response each person makes could be narrowed down to one of three.

The first one is to hope that, in response to non-game playing behaviour, the other person will eventually join with their partner on the Winner’s Triangle and there’s no need to do anything except to get on with life and have your deserved “Happy Ever After” become real.

If one person however, is on the Survivor’s Triangle, he or she may try to keep the other person there by constantly chall...

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Responding Assertively to Game Playing

Responding Assertively to Game Playing

I will illustrate the topic with an example from the story of “Lyn” and “James”.

At one time Lyn decides to take her children on vacation with a girlfriend and her children for a few days. But when Lyn tells James of the plan, he is not OK with it. When she asks why, he just says, “Because I said so.” When she says she is definitely going but would like his consent, he again refuses to give it.

Earlier in their relationship, Lyn would have backed down, but this time she decides to go anyway. James remains angry and revengeful. On Lyn’s return, James refuses to speak to her, and they go to bed in silence. The next morning, Lyn wakes to discover that James is not there. She finds him in the living room with her wallet and a pair of scissors cutting up her credit cards.

She ask...

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Five Ways to Respond to Game Playing

Five Ways to Respond to Game Playing

STOP Goku S.S. vs Majin Bu - Cosplay A house of mirrors in the Czech Republic Mine's bigger than yours

When you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is about to explode then it might be an indicator that you are being invited into a game. It might be something that someone else says or may be conveyed by a gesture, a look on their faces, by touch, or even by a period of silence.

When this happens you have several choices in considering the best response. Here are a few of them:

  • Ignore it. Ignoring a problem or a situation usually doesn’t solve them, but when it comes to games of first degree this might appear to be the wiser reaction one could approach...
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Detecting Games in the Relationship

Detecting Games in the Relationship - The Story of Lyn and JamesThe Story of Lyn and James

“Lyn” and “James” have been married for ten years and have three children. When they first met, Lyn had just left school. James was fifteen years older and had already been in the workforce for some time.

At the time they met Lyn still lived at home, while James had his own place. Lyn looked up to James for support and guidance and he was able to be that at a time when Lyn was still new to adult relationships and adulthood generally.

Lyn was still somewhat naïve, so she allowed James to advise her in exactly how she was to act as his wife and even what she should be like as a person.

Then things changed.

Lyn grew up and started to have opinions of her own. But whenever she attempted to express them they had a disagreement...

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Game Playing and the Winner’s Triangle

The Winner’s Triangle: I am okay

Many people who have played the Survivor’s Triangle games have realized that it usually doesn’t lead to a good outcome. Then comes the need of a positive outcome and you have to figure out how to make it happen.

Approaching the task logically, if you want a positive outcome to a situation you need to be positive yourself.

All could be different depending on which angle you are watching it from. And if the Survivor’s Triangle is viewed from an “I am okay” position, then the whole picture will change and the roles played will change as well to become the higher “self” of that positive interaction – no longer a game of the negative kind.

For example, the higher self of the Aggressor from the Survivor’s Triangle would turn to an Assertive type on the Winner’s Triangle and will...

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Some More Facts about Game Playing

Game Playing and Duality

Here are some little known facts about the games we play with our partners in relationship:

  • Games are not played only between people in a romantic relationship. They can also be played between family members, between work colleagues, between friends and even between “teams” of people.
  • You need two to tango. All players have to be willing to play otherwise there will be no game. And while playing, each participant can and do make conclusions about the game which may have nothing to do with the payoff of the game itself.
  • Games can be played out of fear.
  • Some people are just scared to let other people get close to them simply because they fear the possibility of the other person leaving and the pain of missing them.
  • Some games can be played out in a minute, though the ultimate script ...
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Insignificant Games and Serious Games

Insignificant Games and Serious GamesWe need to spice up our life every now and then and, as my husband and I so often do, we play teasing games with each other. But when do games that are played in jest become something more serious game with a negative consequence for the relationship? And how do we tell them apart?

In the Survivor’s triangle each of the “game-players” play and respond differently and express themselves differently as their emotional state dictates from time to time.

There are three degrees of games though all games can be placed somewhere on a continuum according to how each person experiences it. In addition the outcome for the relationship will also be affected depending on the perspective of each “player”.

First Degree Games

First Degree Games are generally pretty harmless and people might eve...

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Am I OK? Are You OK?

am I OK

Helpless Aggressor Martyr

What does it really mean to be “OK”? Is there a formula that we need to follow to in order to be okay? When are we okay? Is it when we feel loved and respected, or when we feel someone needs us and that make us feel important? Is happiness something to fight for or it is something that comes to us when we’re done the battle with ourselves?

To sum it up – each of us is either predominantly OK with life and how it’s progressing, or not. I think you might be able to guess which is better. Victors live out a very clear “I’m OK and you’re OK” life script, while both Visitors and Victims live out a predominantly “I’m not OK, you’re not OK” life script.

Let’s look at this from the perspective of the Survivor’s Triangle.

The Aggressor

Aggressors are the bullies of...

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How Survivors Play Out Their Life Games on the Game Triangle

Survivor's Triangle

Love Triangle Karate Summer Camp 2012

All Psychological Games get played from one of three positions. These can be seen in action on the Survivor’s Triangle.

I call it the “Survivor’s Triangle,” because, while games are destructive, you play them in response to whatever you were taught, or decided, as a child. It was the way you learned to survive in your family and in society.

As well when you are a child you ‘by default’ need to be taken care of, to be helped and pampered because you are a tiny and weak creature. You simply need to survive as a child biologically and later on emotionally so you naturally do whatever you need to ensure that happens.

Survival or Imprisonment?

Each of the triangle’s corners represents one of the three stances that someone might take in a game...

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Common Reasons for the Games People Play

"Brownie points". Common Reasons for the Games People Play.In the previous article I talked about a very delicate and manipulative game we grown-ups play sometimes. The game is ‘Why Don’t You…?’ and ‘Yes, but…’ Some people have played so much; they don’t even realize that they are playing it.

Why though? Common reasons for the games people play

In the previous article I mentioned just two of the reasons for the games people play. Here are some other reasons:

  1. The “brownie points” revenge. Brownie points in the real world are collected and cashed in for something valuable, but in this context they are being collected to cash in for a damaging such as a negative feeling or outcome for the game partner. The underlying belief is that either someone owes someone else something or that someone needs to do something for someone else...
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