December 3, 2014,
Family, Relationship, Script 
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A Talk with Vanessa and Mark
The story of “Vanessa” and “Mark” that I recently shared with you is the story of a search for the point of intersection between two very different people with very different conflict management styles.
If you need a reminder of their story pop back and see the previous article where I first introduced you to them.
As you review their story you may be able to empathise with Vanessa and yet you may also understand what Mark is experiencing and be able to empathise with his experience as well. This life setting is as real as the stories of any couple you may know. It is unknown to some, but so painfully experienced by others.
This is a story of the “family secrets” – which we can, though sometimes not very successfully, manage to transfer from our paternal roof to our new home and our new relationships. Of course the problem here is that when two people come from two different family cultures there styles and ways of being can also be radically different.
Let me progress you a bit, and share with you what Vanessa and Mark discovered in our work together.
In our sessions Vanessa said she didn’t remember any displays of anger in her family as she was growing up. Mark’s experience in his family however was very different. A day when nobody was arguing about something would have been considered abnormal.
But that didn’t seem to be enough, even though still significant, in explaining what was going on between them. And while Vanessa was distressed by Mark’s behaviour, Mark’s annoyance with Vanessa was that she was “just so sensitive.” He felt he could not raise any issue with her for fear of upsetting her or making her cry. They were driving themselves further and further apart and Vanessa was now questioning whether she could continue to live with Mark.
How did this situation come to be?
The answer may not just be in what Vanessa and Mark observed in their families of origin but also in how they were treated by the members of those families. Once we began working together what came to light was two very important points. For Vanessa being shielded from arguments, as well as criticism of any type, in her family also meant that she had not learnt any skills for managing conflicts. Now as an adult in her most important relationships she was also sadly lacking in these skills and so appeared to be by Mark’s definition “supersensitive” to anything that sounded remotely like a criticism. Consequently any raised voices was felt as a personal insult leaving Vanessa feeling constantly bruised and battered.
For Mark, on the other hand, his unrelenting exposure to conflict in his family also left him feeling bruised and battered as he was constantly made the victim of his parents and siblings tirades.
Mark did not have the skills to manage his feelings of frustration, maybe just likes his family members, and consequently abused Vanessa just as he was abused as a child.
The reason these discrepancies had not come up earlier was that Mark and Vanessa simply had not known each other long enough to have had situations where their skills around managing conflict had been tested. Now it had become relationship destroying.
Now Vanessa and Mark were facing the challenge of coping with the growing conflictual situations. The path to self-awareness was hard and difficult for both of them, but truth always springs up eventually as long as we keep conversing. When Vanessa discovered her life mission she got straight to work. And Mark followed her as well. I will share with you their progress and I will tell you step by step the types of challenges they had to overcome in a future article.
Please, write to me and tell me your own feelings when hearing Vanessa and Mark’s story. Have you managed to see your own selves or a person close to you in the “eyes” of either Vanessa, or Mark?
To the wonder of you,
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