October 27, 2014,
Family, Relationship, Script 
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Once upon a time there was a prince and a princess from a faraway kingdom. I love nice stories that end with happy ever after but this is not always the way it works out.
Here is the story of Alex and Tamara who are struggling with their relationship now. A relationship that is going to require them to make some decisions about their future if they want to get to “happy ever after”.
As you read their story don’t judge them harshly. I’ll explain why later.
Does this sound a bit like you or someone you know?
“Tamara” and “Alex” met each other when they were both seventeen and still at school. They married when they were twenty. They live in a modest home in the suburbs with their son. Tamara was mainly a stay-at-home mother, working occasionally as a receptionist and assistant to a local doctor. Alex worked in science and technology for a company in the city.
Alex’s colleagues often invited him to socialize with them for some fun after work, often at bars and nightclubs. Alex would often join them and enjoyed this opportunity to relax. But this meant that Tamara spent an equal amount of time at home alone, looking after their young child; she was parenting and raising him almost completely on her own and feeling more and more resentful.
After some years of Alex’s very busy social life and Tamara’s isolated home life, the whole family now found the house a place of tension, and friction. Alex and Tamara fought constantly, and the arguments grew increasingly aggressive. Finally, Alex decided to leave, and he moved out.
The Apple of Discord:
One of the issues that constantly came up was that Tamara wanted to have another baby. But Alex kept saying he didn’t want another child just yet. Tamara’s questions of why not got no clear reply.
While they still said they cared for each other they got back together and separated several more times. At one point Alex acknowledged an affair. Tamara decided to forgive him and they got back together again, and separated again. But … the story continued.
Tamara also continued to press Alex to have another baby, but Alex still did not think it was the right time. Tamara then allowed herself to become pregnant, unbeknownst to Alex. She strongly refused to terminate the pregnancy, despite Alex’s repeated requests.
When I first met Tamara and Alex, they were already six months into the pregnancy. Alex loved Tamara. Tamara loved Alex. They both wanted to make the marriage work. They were determined to make it work but it seemed everything was against them.
Alex and Tamara both assume Victim roles and live Victim scripts in their relationship. However, the very fact that they sought help demonstrates that both have potentially Victor scripts as well. (See some of my earlier articles for a description of these ideas)
Their scripts would eventually change from Victim to Victor versions. However the actual outcome and the sustainability of that outcome would come from decisions they made earlier in their lives: their script decisions. The long and short of this is that if you got some good grounding in your early life about your value and the value of others then this is still there whatever life throws at you and you will find a positive way through. And if not this is where attending some intensive therapy can really help you make the changes you need to create a Victor’s life.
I know that now – after reading the story of Alex and Tamara, you understand my request in the beginning asking you not to judge harshly any of the characters or their characteristics.
Now I want to ask you for one more thing – do not judge yourself harshly either! Live your life and your relationship wisely: think things over until you really understand them before responding from a Victor’s position. Do not be spectators (Visitors) but active participants (Victors) in your life.
Alex and Tamara live in each one of us in some way, but just like in a scale – the last note must be played for the scale to be complete.
Please, share with me about that time when you decided to take off the suit of Victim and to put on the new your new best of the Winner, and do you feel comfortable wearing your new suit?
To the wonder of you,
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