love and belonging needs tagged posts

What Games Do Couples Play? (Part 7)

Lyn and James Game

Some people realize they are having problems at an early stage in their relationship while others they only realize there have been problems when their relationship is about to break down.

As with every other couple, with Lyn and James, the problems appearing are connected with both their childhoods.  Lyn had grown up in a family with three older brothers and a mother who was struggling to manage as she and her husband had separated some years before.

Lyn’s mother was anxious and depressed and on medication and her father was only occasionally available to take care of the children.

As she was still young at the time, Lyn knew very little of what happened to separate her parents...

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What Games Do Couples Play? (Part 4)

What Games Do Couples Play Part 4

How and Why Games Began

It seems that Tamara and Alex’s game began when had their first child. However, in truth, the root of the issues presenting themselves has a longer history and it starts with Alex’s early life.

As often happens, when the first child is being born, the father can feel replaced and ignored. This certainly happened to Alex. But added to the background of his relationship with Tamara, or the lack of it, was his relationship with his father and the feeling of rejection he experienced then that consequently escalated now.

Back then, when he was a child, he wasn’t aware consciously of the missing figure of his father because he had everything he wanted.

The gulf between Tamara and Alex grew even wider when Alex went to work for the science and technology company whe...

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What Games Do Couples Play? (Part 3)

What Games Do Couples Play?

Tamara and Alex’s Games

Things need to be clear in order to be understood. By clear I mean the background story and the connection to the current issues to it need to be understood to fully comprehend what the current issues are about before responding.

Usually issues come up when something far distant in the past which has nothing to do with current issue impacts on the resolution and/or even the understanding. Consequently, what you might think about a situation will often be the exact opposite of what I think about it.

Understanding and being clear about each other’s past helps build the future of the relationship better and can prevent issues from occurring.

Each relationship has its stages and it’s important to recognize the stage and its needs.

In fact, to be in a happy relati...

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What Games Do Couples Play? (Part 2)

What Games Do Couples Play Part 2

Beth and Roger’s Games – What Obstructed Their Relationship Progress?

There are few things that obstructed Beth and Roger‘s relationship. Surely the first thing to mention is the miscommunications between them. Having in mind their childhood experiences and the way they have developed certain patterns in their way of relating to each other, it is obvious that their effective communication skills are limited.

By “skills” I mean the ability to say what you really want to say and to give yourself time to understand what the other person is saying.

I also mean the ability to listen not in order to answer, but in order to understand.

It also means being honest with each other in those communications.

Situations like this and the resulting crisis in the relationship are most often a sig...

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The Rebound Relationship

Couple of Butterflies

I met a client yesterday who told me that for no apparent reason or cause her partner came to her one day and told her he wasn’t happy. He said he wanted to take six months living separately from her to decide whether he really wanted to be in this relationship. She was dumbfounded and asked whether he was seeing someone else. He denied it. He just kept saying he wasn’t happy and needed some time separate.

Couples often do not realize the problems that prevent them from being happy. Instead, they keep searching for the answers outside of themselves and outside of their relationships rather than looking within.

Furthermore, there are many cases when following a break-up, one of the couple jumps into a new relationship before taking the time to explore their part in the breakup...

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I Am Ready to Meet You

Body Language or I Am Ready to Meet You

For centuries people have described and praised love as a flame striking at the heart. Sonnets, stories and novels tell stories about young lovers who through all kinds of adversity find love and come to live happily ever after.

Each one of us tends to believe this magic, to submit our whole life to it in the search of our own fabulous love story. And why not, you probably think! But for us to truly be able to say: “I Am Ready to Meet You”, we really must be free of our past and at peace in ourselves. This is the foundation and the beginning of a new life where Happy Ever After is truly possible.

And like any great adventure finding the fairy tale requires us to pass through a storm of challenges on the way...

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And If Parents “Don’t Have Enough Love” for Both Children?

And if they don't have ... ?

What do kid’s thoughts hide?

Every child is an individual and unique in the eyes of his/her parents. But what happens when a child does not understand the actions of his/her own parents?

It is really important to understand that the child’s thinking pattern is different from that of an adult. Very young children can really only think in concrete terms. That is, to them, something only exists if it can be seen, and it only exists in one form. The expansion in thinking follows a developmental path just as physical growth does.

Emotional growth also follows a developmental path. A young child feels all their feelings intensely and without any real capacity to control them. Just imagine a child throwing a temper tantrum and what’s really going on for them...

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Why We Choose To Be A Victor, Visitor Or Victim – A Closer Look At Childhood

A Closer Look At Childhood

img_3874 img_4342 Acoustic Grumpy Kids

Why we choose to be a Victor, Visitor or Victim

In previous articles we took a closer look at the basic features of the three typologies of human behaviour, namely: Victor, Visitor or Victim. However, a small secret has remained unrevealed – Why we choose to be a Victor, Visitor or Victim. I guess you are asking yourself why, despite willing to be Victors, we more and more often see ourselves as Visitors, and even worse for our ego – Victims. Where and how does our view of life transform? The answer, as usual, is short and very simple – within ourselves, in our views formed in early childhood.

And please, let me underline one more point here:

Visitors and Victims exist simply because survival is the prime concern for the child we all once were.

In the story of Alex and Tamara

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Actions Can Speak Louder Than Words

What are we looking at?I don’t think there is anyone who would question that “Actions Can Speak Louder than Words”. And if considered from an analytical point of view, we will come to the conclusion that XXI century communication – whether verbal or not – is extremely well developed. With each day the complexity of our language changes, as it evolves, being enriched with new meanings. We may conclude that communication is a process where people exchange information with each other. However, far be it for me to even think that words are the only instrument out there. Actions are their physical materialization. And that is why we say that actions can speak louder than words!

I invite you to pause your reading here and think for a moment about what all this really means for you...

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Dad Gets Mad and Mom Gets Sad

parents and childWhat is the difference between a boy and a girl? Both sexes have just the same number of chromosomes – exactly twenty-two pairs. The twenty-third, however, is different for men and women.

This is the pair that contains the sex chromosomes that comes to determine whether we become male or female. Let’s see what happens after this. If there is a gene that determines our sex is that the same gene that determines the path of our life? Why is it that we recognize so often our parents’ reactions and words in a given situation to our own reactions and words in similar situations?

So, if Dad got mad when something went wrong, you might get mad and respond in the same way he did...

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