March 29, 2024,
Family, Life, Love, Relationship, Relationship Tips 
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The second relationship stage that normal, healthy couples pass through is one of rediscovering their differences and managing the uneasiness that comes with it. Despite what you believed in Stage 1, there really are differences between you. These deserve to be recognized and celebrated.
Eventually, as each of you begins to reemerge from the couple bubble that first encapsulated you, differences between you begin to surface and expose themselves more clearly.
Parts of you or your partner that may have been quiet or unrecognized begin to emerge. The three D’s—disenchantment, disillusionment, and disappointment, arise as you now become more aware of each other’s imperfections—maybe even for the first time.
And as the Honeymoon concludes and replaced with some disillusionment that maybe the fairy tale is not going to come true, being on your best behavior becomes increasingly more difficult. Your real self now comes to the fore again.
A really important point to remember here is that the more out of character the courting behaviors are from the real self the greater the negative impact will be on your relationship. If the courting character is not too different then the impact will be minimal and the couple will likely find their way to a more realistic future together.
However if the courting character is totally removed from the real person, that is who they represented in their courting character was nothing like who they really are, then it is likely that the relationship will struggle to find a satisfactory way through this stage. The outcome can even be disastrous for those people who have completely concealed their real selves and who don’t have adequate skills to negotiate a new way of being as a couple. These are the first lies we tell in relationship. We naturally want to present our best side but if it is a lie we will be found out.
To return to the healthy aspect of this stage, the desire to spend more time separate from each other, or with friends so long ignored or neglected, involving yourself once again in long-abandoned interests, can potentially raise questions about whether you really are still in love.
Sometimes your partner comes to this stage first, beginning to question his or her closeness to you, maybe even feeling claustrophobic or stifled by it. A need to step back from the relationship, at least to some degree, can become very compelling. Sometimes the person feeling this describes it as a need for “space” or “time.”
Such a moment can be very stressful, particularly because members of a couple don’t come to the need to reestablish independence at the same time. It can leave the other member thinking that this is the end of the relationship. They may even try to do whatever they can to return the relationship to the way it was when it began, which cannot work.
For some couples, the resulting conflict does become the death knell of the relationship. It turns out to be as far as they are willing to take it, since it feels to them like love has been lost entirely.
“You Might As Well Face It; You’re Addicted to Love”
Some people are so addicted to love that they skip from one relationship to another just to experience the buzz of a new relationship rather than endure the heartache that Stage 2 may create.
So, instead of searching for what could come next, they abandon the relationship and seek out the next one until they get to the same place once again. And rather than see Stage 2 of the new relationship as an opportunity for personal growth and growth as a couple, they continue to see it as some flaw within themselves or in the other that results in the fairy tale continuing to elude them.
One response to the inevitable changes that are required if the relationship is to continue might be an attempt to hide or deny the differences that appear between the two members of the couple.
Second, some might attempt to solve the unease by engaging in increasingly escalating, angry arguments, trying to convince their partners to agree with their point of view in order to restore connection. These arguments can feel more like smothering tactics to the partner wanting to reengage—as an individual—and are far from good solutions. Tactics like these often result in one partner feeling unheard and alone. In fact, such fights may be the beginning of the end for many couples.
Challenges for Couples in Stage 2
The most important challenge for couples going through the stage of rediscovering differences is in learning how a partner is actually different, and in being able to embrace—even celebrate—his or her differences.
It also requires finding ways to successfully manage differences, and to resolve with both care and curiosity the conflicts that invariably come up. Further, it requires a renewed commitment to hang in until a more rational decision can be made about whether the relationship is worth keeping and if so worth fighting for in a good way.
A couple of questions you might find yourself asking during a time like this might be: “Do I still really love you?” or, “I think I love you, but I’m not sure if I’m in love with you anymore.”
Many couples can and do rise to the challenge of this stage and learn effective ways to deal with their differences with healthy conflict management and negotiation. More often, however, couples use old, ineffective methods to deal with conflict as they desperately try to return to the familiar exclusive attachment of Stage 1, sometimes with very unsatisfactory outcomes.
This stage doesn’t have to be a death knell for your relationship. It can be a time that moves you forward to new and even more exciting possibilities.
To the wonder of you,
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