August 19, 2022,
Family, Games People Play, Life, Love, Relationship, Script 
No comments
“Tamara” and “Alex” met each other when they were both seventeen and still at school. They married when they were twenty. They live in a modest home in the suburbs with their son.
Tamara was mainly a stay-at-home mother, working occasionally as a receptionist and assistant to a local doctor. Alex worked in science and technology at an office in the city.
Many of Alex’s colleagues and business associates were young men who were either single and living it up, or just recently married; there were plenty of invitations to socialize and join in their brand of fun after work, often at bars and nightclubs. They would drink, socialize, and flirt with the women who also came to unwind at the bar at the end of their busy and stressful days.
Alex enjoyed the lifestyle of the bar and nightclub scene: the drinks, the unrestrained flirting. But this meant that Tamara spent an equal amount of time at home alone, looking after their young child; she was parenting and raising him almost completely on her own.
After years of Alex’s very busy social life and Tamara’s isolated home life, the whole family now found the house a place of tension, and friction. Alex and Tamara fought constantly, and the arguments grew increasingly aggressive. Finally, Alex decided to leave, and he moved out.
Within days he started to feel sorry for leaving. He missed his family. He missed his wife. He returned after just a couple of weeks. (Alex admitted to himself that he’d been impulsive.) When he returned however, he came back to a huge unresolved issue, one that maybe was part of the reason why both Alex and Tamara were behaving the way they were: Tamara wanted to have another baby. But Alex didn’t want another child just yet. “It wasn’t a good fit,” he’d say later about the timing. Alex maintained that he didn’t want Tamara to undergo any more traumas.
You see, Tamara had had a history of miscarriages. These episodes took a toll on Alex as well, and he wanted to avoid more pain for Tamara at all costs. “Besides,” he’d say later, “we weren’t getting along very well. Having another child didn’t seem like the right thing to do, considering that.”
Some years passed, and the arguments persisted; the friction escalated. The two just could not find a way to get along. Eventually, Alex left again. The couple had their set of usual issues, but by this time, Alex had had a one-night stand with a girl from his office. And even though she admitted she loved Alex, the relationship didn’t really go any further than that. He left Tamara again, with this secret.
Alex said that he still loved Tamara very much; he wanted to make the marriage work. So, three months after leaving his home and family, and extremely guilt-stricken about his secret, he came to speak with Tamara. He revealed the one-night stand.
After another difficult family separation, and at Tamara’s constant pleading, Alex again came back.
For a short time, the situation at home seemed to improve, albeit only marginally. Tamara also continued to press Alex to have another baby, but Alex still did not think it was the right time.
Tamara then allowed herself to become pregnant, unbeknownst to Alex. She strongly refused to terminate the pregnancy, despite Alex’s repeated requests.
When I first met Tamara and Alex, they were already six months into the pregnancy. They were, of course, still butting heads; they were still arguing and still holding their respective grounds on several issues.
Tamara realized that they absolutely needed to get through the pregnancy. The consequences of complacency on both children would be severe. So Tamara sought my help to get them through it, and Alex agreed. He loved Tamara. Tamara loved Alex. They both wanted to make the marriage work. They were determined to make it work.
I will say more about Alex and Tamara and what happened after they started counseling a little later. First, let’s look at some of the theory that might explain how Alex and Tamara got themselves into this predicament in the first place and why the difficulties continued to escalate without resolve.
Alex and Tamara both assume Victim roles and live Victim scripts in their relationship. However, the very fact that they sought help demonstrates that both have potentially Victor scripts as well.
The way they approached and integrated all they experienced in their relationship during the time they attended counseling ultimately determined whether their scripts would evolve from Victim to Victor versions. However, the actual outcome and the sustainability of that outcome would come from decisions they made earlier in their lives: their script decisions.
To the wonder of you,
Leave a reply