September 28, 2023,
Family, Games People Play, Life, Script 
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The Aggressor
It’s often said that to survive in today’s world we need to be a little more Aggressive. That may be, though I would be more inclined to say we need to be more Assertive.
Aggressor is used here to denote a game position which is never OK. The Aggressor presents in one of two ways: as hostile, or outwardly aggressive, or as manipulative, or passive-aggressive.
A wife’s constant nagging her husband is an example of a hostile Aggressor’s relationship game. This game might be called “You Can Never Do Anything Right.” She ridicules him for everything he does to try to please her. This may extend to insulting him for what he wears or how he looks after the children.
On the other hand, an example of a manipulative Aggressor’s game might be when a wife pulls out a bottle of spirits the moment her husband leaves for work and drinks until he gets home. This game might be called “If I’m Drunk, I Don’t Have to Take Any Responsibility.” The husband ends up doing all the housework as well as managing his day job if he wants any order in his family’s life.
The core script belief that motivates Aggressors may be something like “I have to get them before they get me.”
The Helpless
The Helpless position comes from a core belief that “If anything is going to go wrong, it will, and it will happen to me.”
An example of a Helpless game is played by a person who constantly puts him- or herself down and expects others to do the same. The game might be called “I’m No Good For Anything.”
Generally, those who play Helpless have experienced considerable hurt or abuse at the hands of others and so are unable to stand up for themselves.
While Aggressors are often the bullies in relationships, the Helpless are often the bullied.
The Martyr
The Martyr is the person who does more than they should for everyone else, often at their own expense.
The core belief that underlies this position might be “I must ensure that everyone else is OK before I can take care of myself.” It may even include a hint of the attitude that others are helpless and can’t do anything for themselves. If so, an alternative mantra could be “I must do it for them, because they are incapable of doing it for themselves.” or “I must do it for them, because if I don’t, who will?”
An example of a game played from the Martyr’s position could be in a situation where a mother continues to cook and clean and take unnecessary care of her adult children when they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. We could call this game “Let Me Do That For You Because I Can Do It Quicker, Or Better, Than You Can.” The worst part of this game is not so much in what she does but that she is likely to then complain about it afterwards as it takes her away from what she might otherwise be doing.
| There is no good whatsoever in game playing. |
All games are played from a life position of Victim or, to a lesser extent, Visitor. When we look a little deeper into all games we will find some very unhappy, angry, resentful or depressed people whose life mantra at bottom is really “I’m not OK, and you’re not OK either.”
There is no good whatsoever in game playing. This might seem like a broad statement to make, and it needs to be separated from the times when people legitimately feel “not OK,” such as when they are ill, stressed, feeling burned out or just tired.
The difference is, people who live out a negative script from the life position of Victim can’t actually see any way out. So they stay in the “I’m not OK, and you’re not OK, either” position. Visitors, on the other hand, may not see that they may also be caught up in a “not OK” belief system. The difference between the two life positions is really only in the magnitude of their game playing.
And Victors go through their struggles as well and at times can get caught in a game. But being able to identify it early in the knowledge that they can come through it either on their own or with the help of someone else is a very different mindset.
To the wonder of you,
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