script tagged posts

November 10, 2015,  Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

People often ask me – why are relationships so complicated? The short answer is – because there are two in the game.

The games people play are a complicated mix of roles that are lived out unconsciously and driven by the equally unconscious need to stand by them on a daily basis. In short these are habits, and we’re referring here to the bad ones, that we live our lives by.

Eric Berne notes: The general advantage of a game consists in its stabilizing (homeostatic) functions. Biological homeostasis is promoted by stroking (the means individuals use to communicate something with another), and psychological stability is reinforced by the confirmation of a set position (that is their life position).

The Games People Play Are Intended to Re-establish Predictability

A relationship “game” ...

November 4, 2015,  Family, Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

One thing is certain – human relationships are a complicated maze that has no entry or exit signs. It’s as if we start a relationship with our eyes closed, groping our way to the entrance of the maze but without a clear vision. We have no map or knowledge of how long it will take us to reach the point of “living happily ever after”.

There are some couples that accept the challenges, but there are also those who prefer to play it “safe”, or even leave when it starts to get hard just to end up in the same place in their next relationship. This becomes a way of avoiding the difficult situations or solving the serious problems that have become part of their relationships and indeed which are part of all relationships.

Eric Berne, who first developed game theory, defines games as “…an ongoin...

August 6, 2015,  Family, Relationship  No comments

Do you remember the movie “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”? It was a battle of characters, personalities and one upmanship. Do you remember Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in this amazing battle of wills filled with lies, deception, lots of bullets and fast cars, and the scent of a roasted meat, red wine and a few candles?

At some moments the couple were very pleasant to each other while at others they were vicious. Does the theme of this movie sound familiar? Is this a theme that is evident in your relationships? If so read on as I address how to deal with these conflicts.

By the way it is so important that you do deal with these conflicts and the sooner the better.

Why? Simply because if you don’t they can damage you and your relationship and leave a lasting scar that may never be fully recovera...

January 28, 2015,  Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

How each of the Game Positions Plays Out I Am Not OK and You Are Not OK

Every year the Academy presents the Award for Best Motion Picture – Drama or Serial distinguished by exclusive audience interest. In real life, however, there is no Academy to present us with awards for the roles we play. But we make every endeavour to fight for that Oscar, creating inappropriate relationships, where we often find ourselves telling our partner: “I Am Not OK”. People love the drama genre, and that is not only in movies, books, and serials, but in their own personal life as well.

Here are the three main characters and their view of life in their real life movies.

The Aggressor: I Am Not OK

Aggressors are not OK, and for them, no one else can be OK either...

January 12, 2015,  Family, Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

Every family is a multifaceted reflection of the surrounding world. In this variegated kaleidoscope of personalities and tempers we distinguish three basic behavioural models: the Aggressor, the Helpless, and the Martyr.

These three roles describe the life positions from which people play their games on a daily basis in their lives which is a means to support the basic life script that these same individuals live their lives by.

Regardless of whether the case is about a family of four or a household that includes three generations living under the same roof, each of the above roles is generally present in at least one of the household members. So if there is one clear Aggressor in the family, then inevitably there will be more than one Helpless or Martyr...

January 4, 2015,  Family, Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

If you have met them, you will recognize their characteristics and relationships with them will bring you nothing but feelings of frustration, helplessness and may be even despair as there is no winning with them.

We are talking about the Aggressors of the world. The game these people play follows the principle: “I must win at all cost!” In one way or another, they attempt to make themselves the reason for when things go right in their lives while blaming others when things go wrong in their lives; they under-value the efforts of their partner in relationship or completely suppress their partner’s right to express himself / herself.

In truth both types of behaviour lead to a no-win outcome.

How does this game begin? It invariably starts with a parent who is also an Aggressor...

December 23, 2014,  Games People Play, Script  No comments

As a little child we all played funny games where the die determined our luck and our eventual triumph at the final. Have you ever noticed that in a particular situation participants have different reactions to the way a game progresses. Some of them feel themselves to be the winners the very moment they take the dice, while others feel scared while playing at dice, and third are desperate feelings some have that this would be just another time they would not get a double six.

The more the players are, the more the reactions are. Just as in life, isn’t it? The games people play bring them joy, disappointment or pride.

Eric Berne and His Theory

Differently from the games like those above the life that you ultimately come to live, and all that you think, feel, say, and do in it, is for the ...

December 18, 2014,  Relationship, Script  No comments

Recently I was having dinner with my friends in one of our local restaurants, far away from the noise of the city. At the table next to us another company of friends were enjoying their Saturday while having a good feed drinking fine wine and sharing stories. Suddenly their conversation turned to the methods for choosing a partner to spend one’s life with.

I couldn’t help extending my ear to them. This was a true niggling for my experience as a therapist. What were these love couples thinking of love, their relationships, and of life in general?

What I discovered was that they were each very strongly in favour of their opinion and were clearly in support of one of two positions: The first one defended their thesis that love was chemistry, and the second one – that love was somehow pre-o...

December 3, 2014,  Family, Relationship, Script  No comments

A Talk with Vanessa and Mark

The story of “Vanessa” and “Mark” that I recently shared with you is the story of a search for the point of intersection between two very different people with very different conflict management styles.

If you need a reminder of their story pop back and see the previous article where I first introduced you to them.

As you review their story you may be able to empathise with Vanessa and yet you may also understand what Mark is experiencing and be able to empathise with his experience as well. This life setting is as real as the stories of any couple you may know. It is unknown to some, but so painfully experienced by others.

This is a story of the “family secrets” – which we can, though sometimes not very successfully, manage to transfer from our pat...

November 25, 2014,  Family, Relationship, Script  No comments

You know how women describe the man of their dreams, don’t you? Women picture him as a handsome man emitting sex-appeal, having a sense of humour, showing his concern and just acting nicely, hard-working and dedicated…

Of course, there is no woman in this world that would state it aloud and consciously – I want him to be rude, despotic and inclined to violence. And “Vanessa” is just one of them, and so are you, and so am I. Each woman dreams to have a worthy partner by her side, one to share her life with.

Now let me tell you Vanessa’s story with “Mark”. They both, just like any other couple, were looking for answers. They were in search of their own selves and were ready to work for their relationship...