human nature tagged posts

Victors, Visitors, And Victims – The Three Principal Life Positions – Part 3

Victims

Then sadly, there is the Victim. This is a person who never makes it in the first place. Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward describe a Victim as “One who fails to respond authentically to those around him.” In this context, “authentically” means genuinely or openly and honestly—as a Victor would.

What if a businessman has a wife with him on vacation? While the businessman is off attempting to enjoy the day fishing, she has decided that there is no joy in that for her and decides to spend the day by the hotel’s pool. Shortly after settling in, she becomes agitated so decides to go shopping. That also doesn’t interest her as the shops don’t really have much to offer. She makes a hair appointment but that has no appeal either...

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Victors, Visitors, And Victims – The Three Principal Life Positions – Part 2

Visitors

If you are a Visitor, you will set goals for yourself, just as a Victor would. But unlike a Victor, you never quite accomplish them, and even if you do, not predictably.

For example, you might want to be a top executive at a Fortune 500 international corporation, but you lack the qualifications. You waver indecisively between going back to school part time or full time or neither, and cannot quite figure out what courses to take even if you did go back to school.

You seem to suffer from a perpetual mid-life crisis, but instead of doing something about it you become complacent and satisfy yourself with what you have, which is often second best or second rate.

As a Visitor (which, it must be noted, is not the same as a Victim), you actually make the best employee...

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Victors, Visitors, And Victims – The Three Principal Life Positions – Part 1

Victors, Visitors, and Victims are the three principal life positions we live out in response to our life scripts. The script is the driver, while the life position is how the script is presented to the world. Let’s take a closer look at each of these positions and the behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that underpin them.

Victors

The Victors of the world are those who live out all the positive things from their scripts. They are the leaders of industry as well as the person on the street who does nice things for others for no reason other than from the goodness of his or her heart.

Victors may become world famous or just recognized within family and friendship circles as being genuinely caring of others while also taking care of themselves.

Muriel James and Dorothy Jonge...

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Unconscious Decisions versus Conscious Decisions – Part 2

Let’s say Aaron, a two year old out shopping with his dad, wanders off in the shopping center. Dad needs Aaron to learn that this is unsafe, so Aaron is told that he or she shouldn’t do it.

Very often, children like Aaron will not understand the information itself, but will grasp something from the parent’s tone of voice, and from the fact that he is made to sit down and listen, that something is wrong.

If Aaron is sufficiently alarmed by his dad’s response, he may get the idea of the message and not reoffend though this may be out of fear of a further reprimand. Alternatively, he may retaliate as a way of testing the limits of permitted behavior.

Whatever the response, i.e...

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Unconscious Decisions versus Conscious Decisions – Part 1

There are a couple of other considerations regarding script development that should not be overlooked.

First, I use the word “decision” broadly to describe decisions made both in or outside of conscious awareness, including those made by every child even when too young to put what they are deciding into words.

In fact, despite their preverbal nature, the decisions made during a child’s first years of life are the most persuasive and potentially the most long-lasting decisions of all. This also makes them the most resistant to change.

Nevertheless, all of these decisions can be reviewed and changed as life is lived, though resistance to change is powerful because we usually seek to reconfirm what we already hold to be true. The alternative for many is too uncomfortable...

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How Do We Become Who We Become?

From the moment of your conception, you were already making distinct self-interested and self-aware decisions for and about yourself as well as about others.

By the time you were eight years old, you were beginning to make major decisions not only for yourself and about yourself, but also about other people and the world you experienced—the things you saw, heard, touched, tasted and smelled, and about the emotional reactions you had to those experiences.

Depending on the particulars of your earlier life experiences and your reactions to them, the decisions you made included both positive and negative ones—from the sensible and practical to the absolutely absurd and unrealistic—because, as Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward explain in their 1978 book, Born to Win, “Children can...

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They End Up Becoming Those People After All

Couples who come into my office are often surprised that the partners they fell in love with seem to have become quite different people. Sometimes, knowing the mistakes their parents made in their relationships, couples have openly vowed not to become those people. But guess what so often happens? They end up becoming those people after all. 

So often, the couples I meet notice that everything they ever vowed not to become, they have become, and they are surprised to find out how powerful their subconscious scripting is.

This is usually how it is for most of us until we become aware enough of our own patterns of being to review our scripts so we can make better-informed, conscious decisions about keeping the part of the script that is working well (the positive script) and about...

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Fulfilling the Life Script

As I now understand it as an adult, one of my script beliefs came to be that my needs are not important. I felt that I was only as good as the cog in the wheel that drove the machine that was our family business.

The interesting thing to note here is that it was fairly likely that my parents never actually intended for me to acquire this belief, let alone having it be one that I would grow up with and take into my own adult relationships. My perception of my life as I was growing up created my script beliefs, regardless of my parents’ intentions.

Whatever our intentions are as parents our children will make decisions about their lives based entirely on their understanding of what they see.

And, of course, this belief did go with me into my adult relationships and into my fi...

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The Five Fundamental Human Needs – Feeling Needs

Children, as any of you who are parents will know, feel everything intensely. And whether they like something or dislike something, you will most often get the message loud and clear.

But while children feel their feelings, they don’t know how to name them or how to express them appropriately until they learn these things from their carers, in the first instance normally their parents. They take very careful note of how their parents express things and how they respond to the child’s own expressions of feelings.

It’s important, then, that parents help a child understand what he or she is feeling when sad or mad or glad by naming the feelings accurately when they are observed...

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The Five Fundamental Human Needs – Safety Needs

The Five Fundamental Human Needs – Safety Needs
Photo by Anastasiya Gepp from Pexels

As a child grows and has its physical needs met, there is also a fundamental need to feel safe from harm – bodily and emotionally. As with all of these fundamental needs, this need remains the same throughout life.

“Safety” here means the knowledge that someone—your parents when you were a child, and your partner when you are in an adult relationship—will always be there for you. You need to feel that this person will always be a “soft place” on whom to fall when you need someone the most, but also in good times as well as in times of distress.

For Beth and Roger, it’s about knowing that they are always there for each other, whether as someone offering greetings as the other comes home late from a day’s outing, or someone to be a d...

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