December 23, 2022,
Family, Life, Love, Relationship, Script 
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The Theories behind Choosing Your Partner
Several theories aim to explain why we are attracted to some people and not to others. Some say that attraction is usually based on an interest in complementary qualities or characteristics—those we feel we may not have ourselves but subconsciously would like to have.
Subconsciously, you might even believe that if you do not have certain characteristics, then maybe you can somehow live them vicariously through someone else, just like when you get really excited about something your kids have achieved. So excited even that it can bring you to tears.
You may be genuinely excited, but you might be so involved in your children’s lives and successes that you almost feel as if you yourself are performing and getting the credit.
Other theories suggest that attraction to complementary qualities leads us to actually acquire some of them. Ideally, this means that we become more like our partners as our relationships develop and that we actually do take on some of the qualities.
And, while it might be one reason that brings you into a relationship, it might actually be something else entirely that will determine how your relationship then develops and whether or not it succeeds in the long term.
Do You Choose Someone, or Do They Choose You?
| The Story of Vanessa and Mark “Vanessa” and her husband “Mark” came into my practice a short time ago seeking couples counseling. They were both professionals and in management positions in their respective industries. Vanessa was a marketing consultant with a large advertising company and Mark was a senior partner in a firm of lawyers. They were both financially self-sufficient. They had only known each other for a couple of months when Mark proposed and Vanessa, thinking she had found her knight in shining armor, readily accepted. They were eager to start a family as both had given so much of their adult lives to study and to their careers. Sadly though becoming pregnant was taking longer than anticipated and in their frustration they had even made enquiries into undertaking IVF in the hope of becoming pregnant. In the meanwhile things were changing at home. Vanessa described Mark as being so gentle when they met; he had been everything she had ever wanted in a partner. However, one day, totally unexpectedly, he turned ugly. He became so angry that he scared her. It began when Mark asked Vanessa to attend a function with him. It was going to be an important event at which he would be representing his firm to a potentially large client whose work they were seeking. Vanessa originally accepted the invitation to go with Mark however on the day one of her own client’s jobs needed to be completed having reached the contract completion date. Vanessa had to stay at work to finish the job and expressed her regret to Mark that he would have to attend the function on his own. Everything seemed fine until late that evening. Vanessa arrived home after Mark and as soon as she stepped into the house Mark let fly with a barrage of angry abuse. Vanessa was so taken aback that she scarcely knew how to respond so in the first instance allowed Mark to have his say. He yelled at her for letting him and his firm down; he said he needed her to be with him and that she didn’t care about him. The tirade continued through the night and into the next day. By the next night things had quieted down and Mark apologized for his “having lost it”. Vanessa forgave him thinking it was a one off and she also apologized for not having been there for him. Then a few weeks later there was another outburst. Again Mark lashed out at Vanessa for some perceived wrongdoing. Again after a couple of days things calmed down. Mark apologized and so did Vanessa. As time passed there were more and more outbursts at increasingly shorter intervals over increasingly insignificant issues. Vanessa’s self-esteem was taking a battering as was their relationship. Vanessa initiated counseling and Mark came as well, seemingly eager to find a resolve to their issues. |
In the next article we will see how this situation came to be.
To the wonder of you,
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