December 30, 2021,  Family, Games People Play, Life, Script  No comments

You might even think that if only the other person could change or be more like they used to be when you first met, then everything would be OK. On the other hand, you might distract yourself by having an affair, or by doing any number of other things to fill in time and thereby remove yourself from the conflict. Many people use distractions instead of confronting what the conflict may mean for them and what they could learn or change about themselves that could improve the relationship between them and their partners.

Some of the things people do to distract themselves from reviewing their script beliefs and behaviors could include working more hours, spending more time at the gym, eating more, eating less, shopping more, gambling, drinking to excess, reading cheap novels or spend...

November 15, 2021,  Family, Life, Relationship, Script  No comments

Couples who come into my office are often surprised that the partners they fell in love with seem to have become quite different people. Sometimes, knowing the mistakes their parents made in their relationships, couples have openly vowed not to become those people. But guess what so often happens? They end up becoming those people after all. 

So often, the couples I meet notice that everything they ever vowed not to become, they have become, and they are surprised to find out how powerful their subconscious scripting is.

This is usually how it is for most of us until we become aware enough of our own patterns of being to review our scripts so we can make better-informed, conscious decisions about keeping the part of the script that is working well (the positive script) and about...

October 21, 2021,  Family, Life, Love, Relationship, Script  No comments

As I now understand it as an adult, one of my script beliefs came to be that my needs are not important. I felt that I was only as good as the cog in the wheel that drove the machine that was our family business.

The interesting thing to note here is that it was fairly likely that my parents never actually intended for me to acquire this belief, let alone having it be one that I would grow up with and take into my own adult relationships. My perception of my life as I was growing up created my script beliefs, regardless of my parents’ intentions.

And, of course, this belief did go with me into my adult relationships and into my fi...

September 15, 2021,  Family, Games People Play, Life, Script  No comments

One important lesson to learn here is that because your script for life and the rules or guidelines it contains are subconsciously passed on to you, you are most likely to copy exactly what your parents do, even if what they say seems to contradict it.

Without a doubt, this is where “Do as I say, not as I do!” does not work.

While kids might not know what goes on behind closed doors consciously, they know exactly what is happening subconsciously. Even a child who has not yet been born is picking up messages from their environment which marks him for life. Events will then likely play out in their own lives as they grow and enter their own adult relationships.

What I am saying here is that you are scripted to choose your partner to be a certain kind of person...

August 18, 2021,  Uncategorized  No comments

I invite you to pause your reading here and think for a moment about what all this really means for you. As a baby, your very survival depended on your parents (or whoever was responsible for caring for you). So, like everyone, you naturally expected those people to have your best interests at heart.

Accordingly, you heard whatever they said and observed whatever they did as the absolute truth about how we should all be.

So, if they told you that you are the best thing that ever came into their lives, you believed it, just as you would believe it if they told you that you were the curse of their lives. How could we ever believe otherwise? We simply accept this early experience as truth, because we have nothing else to compare it with.

And we might even accept certain absolute...

July 13, 2021,  Family, Life, Love, Relationship, Script  No comments

For many reasons, somewhere along the way you may decide to live your life based on an alternate set of values, beliefs, attitudes, and rules. As I believe was my experience, you then have the capacity to create a new script. And in so doing, you can make new decisions about whom you might wish to have as a partner.

Rightly or wrongly, questioning your script generally only happens in the event of some crisis in your life, and then maybe only for the duration of the conflict—after which you simply go back to how it always was. Some people, though, come to question their scripts simply because they have grown in maturity. For many the experience results in a mid-life crisis, when they begin to ask, “Is this all there is?”

Of course, one must have a certain maturity to quest...

June 15, 2021,  Family, Life, Love, Relationship, Script  No comments

We learn about our sexuality—acting male or female—from the parent of our own sex, but we learn about our sensuality—being feminine or masculine—in our relationship with our parent of the opposite sex.

Let me add what is actually an inconsistency in this theory. That is that while my siblings, male and female, were exposed to the same qualities in our parents, what they decided for themselves regarding their roles as adults, and how they would be sexually with their own partners, may actually have been quite different from me. This is where genetics actually plays more than just a small part in forming who we become as adults.

As I’ve noted, your own personality will impact on how you actually turn out, but as a general rule, if you are a female you are more than likely ...

May 20, 2021,  Family, Life, Love, Relationship, Script, Sex  No comments

Let’s apply this notion to the concept of being a couple. Your script for life, which influences your values, beliefs, and attitudes (and consequently, what you think, feel, say, and do), also contains rules, or guidelines, about being a couple in a relationship.

Because your script (and therefore your rules for being a couple) was first given to you by your family, you will most likely grow up and live out their relationship rules accordingly.

The relationship rules in your script tell you how to communicate with your partner, how to express love to each other, and how to interact with each other sexually.

So, if your parents showed you that it was OK to put each other down, then you will have that in your scripting as well – either as the person who puts others down or as...

April 21, 2021,  Family, Fundamental Human Needs, Life, Love, Relationship, Script  No comments

Here’s an example from my own life story. My father grew up in a very large family during a difficult time in history. He was born in Europe just after the First World War and was the second youngest of eight children.

Needless to say, he would have had to make his presence known fairly loudly to have any of his needs met, which probably included having to speak very loudly to be heard over all the other people in his family.

I also know that my grandfather was a very successful businessman before the First World War, but that it was very difficult for him to continue to provide for his family afterward. I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating it must have been for my father’s parents at that time to raise their children while struggling with the aftermath of war.

March 19, 2021,  Counselling, Family, Fundamental Human Needs, Life, Love, Relationship, Script  No comments

So, if Dad got mad when something went wrong, you might get mad and respond in the same way he did. Or, maybe your mother got sad when something went wrong, and depending on your personality and your closeness to each of your parents, you might respond that way instead.

It could be worth noting here that your personality is already there at your birth. This phenomenon subsequently influences how you respond to events in your later life, and it also influences which parent, if any, you are most likely to imitate in your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings when confronted with a particular situation.

The way you choose to respond to circumstances could be the topic for a whole other book, but suffice it to say here that your personality, your gender, the environment you grew up in, ...