April 7, 2017,
Family, Fundamental Human Needs, Games People Play, Relationship, Script 
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How and Why Games Began
It seems that Tamara and Alex’s game began when had their first child. However, in truth, the root of the issues presenting themselves has a longer history and it starts with Alex’s early life.
As often happens, when the first child is being born, the father can feel replaced and ignored. This certainly happened to Alex. But added to the background of his relationship with Tamara, or the lack of it, was his relationship with his father and the feeling of rejection he experienced then that consequently escalated now.
Back then, when he was a child, he wasn’t aware consciously of the missing figure of his father because he had everything he wanted.
The gulf between Tamara and Alex grew even wider when Alex went to work for the science and technology company where he attempted to find the missing satisfaction of his need for love and belonging.
On the other hand, Tamara felt complete in the role of a mother having control over her child. Of course, this didn’t satisfy all her needs and mostly the one for her safety. This need could mean many things and has different dimensions for everyone and in each context, they find themselves.
In her case, Tamara’s need for safety is more oriented towards the emotional part, but also to the physical given the fact that she was adopted. This leads to her inability to ask in a straight way what she wants because in her mind she has already assumed that she will not get it. Then she still needs to do something about it and this is when she keeps their child between them as this is where she feels most safe and needed with a sense of belonging that she did not experience as a child.
If It Weren’t for You
In a healthy relationship, both partners care and protect each other with the emotional care being the leading one. Unfortunately, very often one of the partners starts to play a game that leads to another game and then to another.
In the case of Tamara and Alex, he first began to play the game “If it weren’t for you” exposing their relationship to emotional pain. This is a script belief that easily sneaks into relations between couples through the single idea that the other person is always responsible for everything that is going wrong.
The one, who is blaming, usually is the one who is dominating as in the case of Tamara and Alex. He provides as an excuse, for his late nights and social engagements, the fact that he is working to meet her and their child’s needs. Tamara has accepted this concept and dedicated herself to her child and her role as a mother, even planning to have another child, believing this may change the situation and magically solve their issues.
The domination of Alex over Tamara happened because she allowed him too. This may have been likely an unconscious decision, and they both just followed their beliefs based on their previous negative experiences.
But the subconscious beliefs lead to unconscious decisions and the situation reached the point where Alex leaves Tamara because he believes he could have something better and decides to chase a fairy tale. Of course, then he realizes he was wrong and returns to Tamara. This is not enough to magically fix their issues, if they hadn’t worked on them during the separation. Instead of getting better, things evolved very quickly to what they used to be and the fighting came back even stronger.
Please leave a comment as to your thoughts about what is really happening with Alex and Tamara.
To the wonder of you,
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