March 22, 2017,
Family, Fundamental Human Needs, Games People Play, Relationship, Script 
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Tamara and Alex’s Games
Things need to be clear in order to be understood. By clear I mean the background story and the connection to the current issues to it need to be understood to fully comprehend what the current issues are about before responding.
Usually issues come up when something far distant in the past which has nothing to do with current issue impacts on the resolution and/or even the understanding. Consequently, what you might think about a situation will often be the exact opposite of what I think about it.
Understanding and being clear about each other’s past helps build the future of the relationship better and can prevent issues from occurring.
Each relationship has its stages and it’s important to recognize the stage and its needs.
In fact, to be in a happy relationship with someone literally means that you are in a relationship with the whole of their family and your partner’s emotional baggage and background as well.
Having this in mind, it’s a necessity for couples to make sure they know how committed they can be as well as to decide the level of willingness to do whatever it takes to save and improve their relationship.
What brought Tamara and Alex to a stage where the development of their relationship was prevented were different old beliefs and subconsciously followed patterns. Most of them are a “product” of their childhoods and they affect their communication and connection.
For Alex, it is that he grew up in a family where his father was had a management position and his mother was took care of the home and the children. He was the middle child and things were going well and normally in his life. The only things Alex had less of were his father’s time and attention. That’s why when he met Tamara he felt the care taken of him by the support she was giving him, and the love shown through her willingness to take care of the house and the family. This made him feel complete but still, when their first son was born, he felt displaced.
On the other hand, Tamara was adopted as a child when she was six weeks old. Her mother was unable to raise her and gave her to a couple who thought they were not able to have children. Soon after Tamara went to live with them they had a child of their own, as often happens. Tamara was two and when her baby sister came, she also felt displaced. This made her feel invisible as this new baby took the attention away from her.
Fundamental Needs Unmet and Games Being Played
It appears that both Tamara’s and Alex’s essential need around belonging weren’t being fulfilled and they brought this feeling with them, projecting it onto their relationship.
Tamara’s needs are oriented in the field of safety and Alex’s ones are more in love and belonging. This automatically leads to playing games for the simple reason that if they didn’t get their needs met as a child, and were not taught how to get them in an appropriate way then the only way they would have discovered getting them met, even if they only went part way, was to do it inappropriately.
Sounds unbelievable but it is true and based on the same principle of “… even negative attention is better than no attention.”
One of the games being played by Alex is the blame game, in which he feels like if it weren’t for Tamara’s constant in need for safety, even when not in a threatening situation, he would have a much easier life. This is a typical game where the blame for everything is put on someone else but never us. This sounds very heroic and promising on the surface but if we look deeply at the core of this utterance we can a find the silhouette of Victim there.
Keep following these blogs for more on the games couples play.
To the wonder of you,
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