March 20, 2015,
Relationship 
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They were talking while having a glass of wine as they often did. Four women talking about their relationships until one of them shared: “…We’ve been together for six months now. But I can’t breathe anymore! He just wants to be attached to me all the time. Even when I’m working, he wants to cuddle up just like a baby … Why is that so many men do that to me…? I am not his mother! It was nice for a time. I thought he just really loved me… but I need my own space back!”
It is easy for us to guess that this woman, who has just taken off her rose coloured glasses, is now seeing her partner for real out of the context of the honeymoon stage of their relationship. It may be though that her partner is not at the same place in this relationship and is wanting to hold onto the closeness that first stage of relationship offers.
This is the way things proceed into the Second Stage of a relationship. It starts with some disappointment that the other is not quite what they first presented themselves as being and before one realizes it that first stage of romantic love has passed by as a fierce fire passes over the landscape. The couple now wakes up to the dawn of the next stage of their relationship.
And one way or another, you must move on—hopefully, forward into this next stage. However, for the way to be cleared for you to move on, you must first complete a number of challenges.
Relationship Challenge 1
The first (if it can be called a challenge) is for couples to simply enjoy their time together. This stage is when you create a strong friendship between you, and hence a strong bond, that will stand you in good stead in the future.
If you don’t, the relationship is probably not going to last very long.
Relationship Challenge 2
Another challenge for this stage is to discover and strengthen shared values and areas of compatibility. It is the time to really get to know each other as you truly are.
And how successful you are at completing these challenges may actually depend on how well you and your mother (I refer here principally to a biological mother), managed time apart when you were young. If you separated easily, then the challenges will not seem as great as they might be if you found it difficult.
To put it another way: the first instinct for newborns is to reattach themselves to their mothers for safety and security as well as for all the other lower-rung needs I mentioned in earlier articles. If a mother understands the importance of attachment, she allows it to continue until she and the child both decide that the time is right to put some space between them.
If, however, the mother was not comfortable with the child’s need for attachment, or if she pushed the child away before they were ready, the response may have been extreme anxiety in her absence. The child may have tried to keep her close by becoming upset (or even throwing a temper tantrum) if ever the mother was out of sight, even for a moment.
This early attachment sequence is quite similar to what happens when adults progress to Stage 2 in a relationship.
Relationship Challenge 3
And Relationship Challenge 3? In brief, this is the period of understanding and coming to terms with the reality of who you both are and accepting that in this reality there might be both further acquaintance and disappointment going hand-in-hand. It is not a must that the differences between your partner and you disappointment you, but if you do feel this way, remember that this is not something bad or unnatural. This is the stage, in which you just need to pass through with your eyes wide open.
The good news is that this is not the end of your relationship but a healthy way to advance your relationship on your journey to happy ever after.
Be real, be yourselves – this is all I wish for you to be with all my heart! Do not go for the extremes in both aspects of plus and minus, but instead teach yourselves to learn on a daily basis and to seize the shades!
I just can’t wait to read your letters and I am thankful for the experience you will share with me about your own way of moving forward from Stage 1 to Stage 2 of your relationship.
To the wonder of you,
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