May 1, 2018,
Counselling, Games People Play, Life, Love, Relationship, Script 
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Many years ago, people believed that a healthy relationship looked like this: two complementary halves making a whole. Now we understand that a relationship that looks like this is far from complementary and where generally one person in the couple dominates the other.
People need first to be whole within themselves in order to be happy with another person.
If we look at this issue from a Transactional Analysis perspective, according to that theory, we all have a mixture of personalities; we don’t just have one way of being. Instead, in different places with different people, we can actually relate quite differently as well. Berne described these different personality styles as “ego states.” The principal ego states are the Parent, the Adult, and the Child (some might call this the “inner child”).
If a person is at peace with him or herself and is aware of their own personality, values and ego states and when it is most appropriate to be in one or another of them, this means they are functioning really well. What is meant here by “access” is when the behaviour of a person is acceptable, and they behave appropriately to the circumstance they are in, while smoothly switching between ego states at the right time and without any contradictions.
We call this being “integrated.” When two people are on the same level of access to their ego states, only then can they have a truly loving and successful relationship.
And of course, if one of your ego states is not fully present or has been contaminated by misguided thoughts (the negative script beliefs from early life), then all your relationships will not be what they should.
As people become fully autonomous and let go of those old limiting script beliefs, they become better balanced and able to access all of the ego states as appropriate: to be caring from the Parent ego state (when your partner needs you to be), to solve problems from the Adult ego state and to have fun from the Child ego state.
However, when all you can see is the best in your partner, and not their humanity, you may blind yourself to your own vulnerability as well and accept that expression of love at face value.
Sometimes negative script beliefs make people question the authenticity of love, the relationship starts to feel false and can look like it’s falling apart and no longer like a fairy tale.
The partners in the relationship have the Victim or the Visitor life positions and eventually get caught in game playing from the Survivors triangle. Here is how the ego states communicate with each other in both sides of each relationship – when the Parent dominates, it is more than likely to be a Martyr game. When the Child dominates, it is a Helpless game, and an Aggressor’s game comes from an Adult ego state, disguised as healthy Adult participation.
This is the moment when real love, one not based on fantasy, can begin to bloom through a mutual wish to please each other unselfishly, using a balanced amount of each of your ego states where appropriate.
If both partners are fully integrated within themselves and the ego states communicate appropriately with the other person’s ego states, then the communication between them will be positive and working on any issues between them would look like this – when they make decisions, the Adult ego state in one partner addresses the other’s Adult ego state, a Parent addresses a Child to offer nurturing, a Child addresses a Parent to receive nurturing, and
Child addresses Child for fun. The couple represented in this diagram are Victors in the truest sense of the word.
To the wonder of you,
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