December 19, 2023,
Counselling, Family, Life, Love, Relationship 
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🙶 Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathless, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being ‘in love’ which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.🙷
Louis de Bernières
After selecting someone you would like to have as your partner (who you may even believe is your soulmate) your relationship must pass through five stages if it is to get to “happily ever after.” Once you move from “I don’t know you yet, but I’m ready to meet you” into the relationship itself, these are:
• Stage 1: All I can see are your good points
• Stage 2: Rediscovering the differences that make the difference
• Stage 3: From “we” back to “me”
• Stage 4: Recoupling (when you put “relate” back into “relationship”)
• Stage 5: Happily ever after
If you pass through each of these stages successfully, I promise you will get there. Of course, no one says it’s going to be all clear sailing or easy, but it will be worth the effort.
Relationships, like anything worth having, take time and a little effort to create. Once you have put in that time and effort, the rewards will be rightfully yours.
Before Stage 1: “I Don’t Know You Yet, but I’m Ready to Meet You”
Long before the magic can begin, you live your life completely unaware of the existence of the person you will ultimately fall in love with. Before a relationship exists, you are just being yourself, sometimes selfishly so. Your only thoughts are of your own wants and of how to gratify them.
For some, this is just as you like it, though for most, the pull to be in a relationship can be so strong that it occupies all your waking time. Some of you might even try Internet dating or speed dating. We are primarily social beings who, for the most part, do much better when we are coupled to others than when we are on our own.
This idea has been put to the test, and it has been found that (particularly for men) even life expectancy goes up for those in healthy, happy relationships by as much as several years. There are many reasons we could think of: a couple may eat better food together, and we feel better when we have someone to share the good times with as well as the tough ones. We simply do better when we’re in relationships than when we’re not.
Looking for a partner just might bring you the real love of your life. If you are in a secure state of mind, intellectually and emotionally, and are at ease with yourself, then the path is well laid for you to find your true soulmate. If your future partner is similarly at ease with him- or herself and is as ready as you are to enter into a relationship, then the stage is set for something truly wonderful.
I want you to reread that last paragraph. It is possibly the most important thing in this book, and I would hate you to miss it. Did you get it?
There is actually truth in the statement “To be truly able to love another, you must truly love yourself first.” However, many people struggle to understand what this actually means.
It is not about being conceited or cocky. It is about being self-confident and authentic, open and honest and real, with yourself and others. You then enter into a relationship because you want to be there, not because you need to be.
In other words, you get into a relationship because life is simply better with the other person in it. It is not because you need that person because of something missing in you.
This can sound confusing. What I am trying to get across here is that you cannot feel good feelings for another if you have only negative feelings for yourself. To feel good about yourself is not to be self-centered; it is simply being confident in who you are, knowing that you deserve all the respect and care that everyone is entitled to, from yourself and from others.
I cannot stress this point enough. It is most important to be aware that if you are in a less-than-stable state of mind, you might choose a partner based on the unmet needs that lie behind that instability.
I am talking about the five Fundamental Needs here. They must be satisfied within your own life before you can present your best self to your future partner.
Oh, and by the way, since an unsatisfied fundamental need might drive your own search for a partner, your partner’s unsatisfied need might be his or her reason for choosing you.
To the wonder of you,
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