August 20, 2020,
Fundamental Human Needs 
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Children, as any of you who are parents will know, feel everything intensely. And whether they like something or dislike something, you will most often get the message loud and clear.
But while children feel their feelings, they don’t know how to name them or how to express them appropriately until they learn these things from their carers, in the first instance normally their parents. They take very careful note of how their parents express things and how they respond to the child’s own expressions of feelings.
It’s important, then, that parents help a child understand what he or she is feeling when sad or mad or glad by naming the feelings accurately when they are observed. This encourages the child to also name feelings rather than just expressing them out loud, verbally or physically.
During their socialization, a child also learns which feelings his or her family considers are OK to express and which ones they consider not OK to express. For example, in some families it is frowned upon to express anger while in other families expressing sadness is considered a weakness. The parents model for the child how to manage those feelings.
So, the good (or bad) news here is that if the parents model appropriately, then the child will learn to express their feelings appropriately. However, if a parent models feelings inappropriately, or not at all, then it is fairly likely that a child will as well.
So, if an angry parent charges through the house yelling and throwing things, it is quite possible the child will do the same. Shortly, I will explain the exceptions to this rule when I share some of my own story.
Feeling needs for adults and children alike include the need to feel all of their feelings without judgment. Many people set expectations about what it is they want their partner to feel, and even to think, just as they were instructed as young children.
Beth feels upset as the family comes together to celebrate a birthday, since one of her children has decided not to come. Beth says to her husband, “I’m really upset that our son is not here to celebrate with us.”
Roger might have answered that by saying, “No, you’re not. It’s fine. It’s one less mouth to feed.” If he does, he discounts her feelings of disappointment, denying her right to these feelings as well as denying her the right to express them. This is apart from his willingness (or not) to listen to her and to hear with compassion what her upset is actually about.
The reason he might respond this way is that either he actually doesn’t feel what she is feeling (which is fine, as no one has asked him to), or he prefers not to acknowledge what she feels, because he might then have to actually take some time to listen to Beth—or worse, to think about his own feelings of disappointment and to have to act on them.
Alternatively, Roger may have seen his father act this way toward his mother, or even to Roger, so now he doesn’t really know what to do when his partner expresses these feelings, let alone be able to express his own feelings about what happened.
Instead, Beth is left alone with her feelings, and she feels even more isolated now by Rogers’s unwillingness to be there for her.
Not only do you have a need to feel your feelings, you also have a need to speak about them and to be told that you are loved and cherished just for who you are, with all your thoughts and feelings. When someone listens to you talk about your feelings, you get the message that you are important in someone’s life and that you are loved and accepted, simply for who you are.
And by listening to someone else express their thoughts and feelings, you in turn have an opportunity to acknowledge who that person is without needing to change him or her in any way.
This freedom to feel, and then to express, all your feelings, to be acknowledged for them, and to acknowledge your partner’s feelings is (as is the recognition and satisfaction of all your fundamental needs within your relationships) the way to a truly close and satisfying relationship.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. It’s easy to do. Just leave a comment below.
To the wonder of you,
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