The “Rules” for Being a Couple – Part 2

June 15, 2021,  Family, Life, Love, Relationship, Script  No comments

We learn about our sexuality—acting male or female—from the parent of our own sex, but we learn about our sensuality—being feminine or masculine—in our relationship with our parent of the opposite sex.

Let me add what is actually an inconsistency in this theory. That is that while my siblings, male and female, were exposed to the same qualities in our parents, what they decided for themselves regarding their roles as adults, and how they would be sexually with their own partners, may actually have been quite different from me. This is where genetics actually plays more than just a small part in forming who we become as adults.

As I’ve noted, your own personality will impact on how you actually turn out, but as a general rule, if you are a female you are more than likely to take on your mother’s way of being female (and if a male, your father’s way of being male).

When working with couples, I often ask them about how their parents acted in their relationship and how they addressed each other. I also ask which of their parents they see themselves as most like, if at all, and especially in relationships.

Generally, the response is that they see both of their parents in themselves, sometimes in exactly the same way, though sometimes quite differently.

I would answer the same way if asked that question. My father was a demonstrably loving man who, I believe, cared deeply for my mother and was open in expressing it. My mother had more of a conservative nature and was much more reserved in her acceptance of my father’s love as well as in her expression of love.

When I take a close look at myself in a relationship, I see both of my parents in me. I have some of my mother’s conservatism as well as my father’s outgoing, adventurous spirit.

Choosing a Partner

I often advise those I am counseling to take a close look at the relationship of their partner, or potential partner, with their opposite-sex parent. This will reflect that person’s scripting regarding relationships just as your relationship with your opposite-sex parent will reflect your scripting. The values that you both hold will also be evident in how you relate to your opposite-sex parent. This can actually predict some qualities that might become, or already has become, evident in your current relationship.

So now, you have two indicators of how your relationship may proceed with your partner:

• The values that you and your partner were exposed to as children and what you learned (and might still believe) about relationships by observing your own parents in their relationship.
• The values expressed by each of you in your relationships with your parents of the opposite sex.

To the wonder of you,

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