real self tagged posts

December 30, 2021,  Family, Games People Play, Life, Script  No comments

You might even think that if only the other person could change or be more like they used to be when you first met, then everything would be OK. On the other hand, you might distract yourself by having an affair, or by doing any number of other things to fill in time and thereby remove yourself from the conflict. Many people use distractions instead of confronting what the conflict may mean for them and what they could learn or change about themselves that could improve the relationship between them and their partners.

Some of the things people do to distract themselves from reviewing their script beliefs and behaviors could include working more hours, spending more time at the gym, eating more, eating less, shopping more, gambling, drinking to excess, reading cheap novels or spend...

November 15, 2021,  Family, Life, Relationship, Script  No comments

Couples who come into my office are often surprised that the partners they fell in love with seem to have become quite different people. Sometimes, knowing the mistakes their parents made in their relationships, couples have openly vowed not to become those people. But guess what so often happens? They end up becoming those people after all. 

So often, the couples I meet notice that everything they ever vowed not to become, they have become, and they are surprised to find out how powerful their subconscious scripting is.

This is usually how it is for most of us until we become aware enough of our own patterns of being to review our scripts so we can make better-informed, conscious decisions about keeping the part of the script that is working well (the positive script) and about...

May 1, 2018,  Counselling, Games People Play, Life, Love, Relationship, Script  No comments

Many years ago, people believed that a healthy relationship looked like this: two complementary halves making a whole. Now we understand that a relationship that looks like this is far from complementary and where generally one person in the couple dominates the other.

People need first to be whole within themselves in order to be happy with another person.

If we look at this issue from a Transactional Analysis perspective, according to that theory, we all have a mixture of personalities; we don’t just have one way of being. Instead, in different places with different people, we can actually relate quite differently as well. Berne described these different personality styles as “ego states...

November 28, 2017,  Counselling, Family, Relationship, Relationship Tips  No comments

People often wonder whether Couples Counselling works when one partner isn’t present at the counselling session. Absolutely, yes, it works. If one of the partners change, then the other will respond to the changes. Of course, this does not guarantee positive change or that the relationship will work out, but it does start changing the situation from its current, unsatisfying state.

Breaking the zone of comfort is stepping away from a zone of a relationship that is going nowhere and achieving nothing. Staying in what seems to be the comfort zone, you may be surprised to hear, is hard to maintain as it is not comfortable at all. Holding the decisions taken to move away from what is familiar and comfortable can be even harder...

July 28, 2017,  Exercise, Family, Fundamental Human Needs, Life, Relationship, Relationship Tips  No comments

Limiting Feelings, Limiting Beliefs and Limiting Behaviours

There are various ways to relieve yourself from a script and a game your mind is used to playing. Many of these are therapeutic which includes many different techniques and practices. In the USA there are about 450 registered associations that offer different help for limiting beliefs, behaviours, and feelings. These three combine to create the scripts we live our lives by.

“Limiting” here means something that holds you back, restricting you from living a truly happy life. It refers to an old way of being that is no longer useful in your life. Feelings, beliefs, and behaviours based on negative past experiences can all be limiting if held onto.

In therapy, you get an opportunity to review those limitations and make changes so tha...

June 30, 2017,  Family, Fundamental Human Needs, Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

Some people realize they are having problems at an early stage in their relationship while others they only realize there have been problems when their relationship is about to break down.

As with every other couple, with Lyn and James, the problems appearing are connected with both their childhoods.  Lyn had grown up in a family with three older brothers and a mother who was struggling to manage as she and her husband had separated some years before.

Lyn’s mother was anxious and depressed and on medication and her father was only occasionally available to take care of the children.

As she was still young at the time, Lyn knew very little of what happened to separate her parents...

February 1, 2017,  Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

Why Do We Play Games?

Just as we need two people to agree to tango so too it takes two people to subconsciously agree to play the psychological games we all play.

However, they don’t realize how exactly the game is being played, or how it all started, but usually the payoff for both sides is negative and it comes fast.

The whole process of playing games comes from an earlier stage of one’s development during childhood. Most of the time games happen automatically, like a habit that the brain has in creating realities that we believe and live in.

Watching other people’s behaviours in early childhood is the core of the games being played later on...

January 11, 2017,  Exercise, Family, Fundamental Human Needs, Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

Life Is Not a TV Drama

Is it possible to live a drama free life? Is it necessary to have drama in our lives in order to feel balanced when it is over? Isn’t it easier to just exclude even the smallest possibility of turning a fly into an elephant? What make us create dramas in our lives when this is the thing we fear and dislike the most?

Look at the games the couples in our stories (The Story of Tamara and Alex, The Story of Vanessa and Mark, Vanessa and Mark (cont), Detecting Games in Relationships, Responding Assertively to Game Playing).

An Exercise

If you want you can challenge yourself: try imagining each game discussed as initiated by anyone, of either sex, and imagine how that game story might play out...

March 10, 2016,  Games People Play, Relationship, Relationship Tips  No comments

I will illustrate the topic with an example from the story of “Lyn” and “James”.

At one time Lyn decides to take her children on vacation with a girlfriend and her children for a few days. But when Lyn tells James of the plan, he is not OK with it. When she asks why, he just says, “Because I said so.” When she says she is definitely going but would like his consent, he again refuses to give it.

Earlier in their relationship, Lyn would have backed down, but this time she decides to go anyway. James remains angry and revengeful. On Lyn’s return, James refuses to speak to her, and they go to bed in silence. The next morning, Lyn wakes to discover that James is not there. She finds him in the living room with her wallet and a pair of scissors cutting up her credit cards.

She ask...

February 18, 2016,  Games People Play, Relationship, Script  No comments

When you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is about to explode then it might be an indicator that you are being invited into a game. It might be something that someone else says or may be conveyed by a gesture, a look on their faces, by touch, or even by a period of silence.

When this happens you have several choices in considering the best response. Here are a few of them:

• Ignore it. Ignoring a problem or a situation usually doesn’t solve them, but when it comes to games of first degree this might appear to be the wiser reaction one could approach...