May 7, 2018,
Love, Relationship, Sex 
No comments
Sex doesn’t always mean love, but love is very much linked to sex. It is the one very special way you can express your love with your partner, at your most vulnerable.
We all know that for a relationship to remain healthy it requires open communication; exposing yourself honestly and emotionally to another person. It’s the same with sex. It’s just another way of having a conversation with your most loved. Most importantly, this should be the place in your relationship where you are most safe to have the freedom to express yourself in an open and honest way.
It’s seems to be a fairly common belief that being sexual and achieving sexual satisfaction are automatic responses that just click in out of nowhere if the right buttons are pressed and if the “recipe” is followed correctly.
But that is just not true. Indeed, a satisfactory sexual response is more likely when we have ensured that the conditions for sex are just right, that is whatever increases each partner’s sexual interest and responsiveness.
Creating Great Conditions for Great Sex
Imagine that you’re driving a car somewhere and want to get there safely. To enjoy the experience, certain conditions need to be present. Most of the time, you optimize these conditions automatically, without you even having to think about it but other things need a conscious decision.
For example, sitting in the front seat with hands on the steering wheel, not in the back seat or in the trunk. Driving on the road, not through a muddy field or down a cliff. If raining – using the wipers; when it‘s dark- switching on the headlights. When putting feet on the pedals – using the brake to stop and the accelerator to go. Using indicators when changing direction. Ensuring there is gas and oil in the car and have it serviced regularly. Finally, staying awake for your full enjoyment of the ride and keeping your eyes open to ensure nothing is missed.
If one of those things is neglected, the opportunity to have a good driving experience decreases.
The metaphor with the car could similarly represent the fact that each person has a set of conditions for great sex. Albeit yours might be different from your partner’s, that’s okay.
But this also means, that before we say what we like in sex we have first to know it for ourselves – what conditions, and all other little details that turn us on and off. And, just as important, you also must be curious about what conditions make sex great for your partner.
Usually this is a rare question but one we should ask ourselves – how exactly and under what conditions would we consider sex as “great sex”?
The important point here is, to ensure we get our conditions met, it is essential for us to let our partner know what really turns us on and what turns us off. People think that the other person should feel, or sense or somehow know what this is. But guess what? Nobody can know what really pleases you unless you tell or show them.
To return to the car driving metaphor. What I think is a good way to drive a car might leave my passenger shivering in his seat with dread. Maybe their idea of a good driving experience is that you drive slower, or faster, take more time to pass through crossings, or to stay further back from the car in front. If we don’t check this out and take the others wants in consideration when driving them then they may not want to drive with us again.
During sex each of us has our own turn-ons and turn-offs, and our degree of ease around each of these will impact how responsive we are to each other at any given time—not just sexually, but in all of our most intimate moments.
Sexual inhibitors and enhancers (we can think of them as intimacy inhibitors and enhancers), can be broadly categorized into four different types: physical, psychological, the way you are in your relationship generally, and the time and place you choose to meet with other sexually.
These are the four starting points of the sexual act and if just one of them is not set the right way, it can lead to a negative outcome. It’s just like with the car – you can’t make a successful turn without all the conditions being taken into consideration and those conditions addressed appropriately.
So make your relations and your sex great and make it great for your partner as well.
To the wonder of you,
Leave a reply