January 12, 2015,
Family, Games People Play, Relationship, Script 
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Every family is a multifaceted reflection of the surrounding world. In this variegated kaleidoscope of personalities and tempers we distinguish three basic behavioural models: the Aggressor, the Helpless, and the Martyr.
These three roles describe the life positions from which people play their games on a daily basis in their lives which is a means to support the basic life script that these same individuals live their lives by.
Regardless of whether the case is about a family of four or a household that includes three generations living under the same roof, each of the above roles is generally present in at least one of the household members. So if there is one clear Aggressor in the family, then inevitably there will be more than one Helpless or Martyr. After all these are the dramas that we create in our families that keep life for many exciting and without which life would be become boring.
Let me tell you more about The Helpless. I will do my best to be as brief as possible and to let you reach your own conclusions when it comes to diagnosing this particular behaviour.
The Helpless position comes from a core belief that “If anything is going to go wrong, it will, and it will happen to me.”
Examples of This Game People Play
An example of a Helpless game is played by a person who constantly puts him- or herself down and expects others to do the same. The game people play might be called “I’m no good for anything.” Generally, those who play Helpless have experienced considerable hurt or abuse at the hands of others and so are unable to stand up for themselves. Below I would like to give you an example from my practice in order to further display this role.
I received a letter from a lady some time ago who was enjoying her ten-year marriage. Her husband was king, honest, always attentive towards their children and her, except for … one exception. He got angry and aggressive quickly when his wife violated the rules and the order set in their house. Furthermore, she added in her letter that his behaviour was completely depending on whether she observed the rules set by him. The lady also added: “I know that I am not good enough for him, I do not deserve such a neat and organized man by my side”. You can already guess the style of the daily conversations between these two people. Basically as long as the lady did what her husband expected of her everything would be fine. If she stepped out of line a tirade of abuse occurred for which the lady, at the insistence of her husband, always took full responsibility.
I started thinking whether the woman sharing this with me realized that she was living with the classic example of an Aggressor, and that her low spirits and inner compliance just fed this behaviour on a daily basis. I wondered about the things that might have happened to her that had made her incapable of realizing this vicious model of communication.
And this is what I mean by the game people play with the roles of the Aggressor and the Helpless. While Aggressors are often the bullies in relationships, the Helpless are often the bullied. And these behaviours and the accompanying thoughts and feelings are not in conscious control but directed by some unconscious beliefs about our value and worth.
The lady was asking me my thoughts on what was happening. I answered her from the point of view of my own life experience and based on my experience as a therapist in what I understand about human nature. I allowed myself to quote Jefferson Smith saying in his book “Strange Places”:
“There is no such thing as helplessness. It’s just another word for giving up.”
Please, write to me and share your own similar moments or thoughts on this lady’s experience, if any, when the roles of the Helpless suited you the best. And if so, how did you manage to cope with it or escape from it. Do you think that from being the Helpless, you may turn into the Aggressor or the Martyr even? I am really looking forward to your opinion on this topic.
To the wonder of you,
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